Avatar Posted by scano236 180 days ago (Question)
Ok. So I have been with my boyfriend for just under 2 years. He has never told me he loves me, only that he loves spending time with me and that I am his best friend but that he doesn't really know what love is.

Let me start by saying that I love him. We have had a few issues over the last 2 years, partly my fault and partly his, but we have worked them out and are better than ever. With two exceptions.

#1 is that he hasn't said he loves me. I know that his family NEVER says I Love You to each other. They are not physically emotional (i.e. hugs, kisses, hand holding etc.) so I can understand where he is coming from. I've said before that maybe we don't belong together then and all he says is that he doesn't want me to leave him. He tells me that I'm his best friend and that he wants to be with me. He is faithful and I'm not worried about that at all. He is really open with me and we are pretty good at communicating. I've flat out told him that I deserve someone who is in love with me as much as I'm in love with him but he just can't seem to figure it out. I don't know if I'm expecting to much or if I should open my eyes and except that this isn't healthy for either of us. IDK I guess I feel like he should've figured out by now how he feels about me.

The #2 thing is that I am losing interest in having sex with him. Heck to be honest I'm losing interest in sex PERIOD. To be perfectly honest so you understand why I'm so concerned, I LOVE sex. I love making out, foreplay, sex, everything. In the past my relationships have always been very sexual and passionate. Not to the exclusion of everything else but to the point where I was more like the "man" in the relationship. I was the one who wanted sex every day, several times a day if possible. There was the occasional day that I didn't feel like it but I've always been game if they were. The thing is that my boyfriend hates making out and foreplay. He also doesn't have the stamina that I'm used to. For example my last two boyfriends and I could easily spend 3 days having sex innumerable amounts of times, eating, and just chilling. With this boyfriend i'm lucky if I have some mediocre sex twice a week. Until this boyfriend I've never said no to sex with a boyfriend and actually really had no desire whatsoever to have sex with them. When he and I do have sex it's quick, never includes making out (a favorite of mine), its not as aggressive and passionate as I would like. Baisically its bad.

That being said. I really do love him. I feel like in a way I'm pushing him away. I feel like I'm losing a part of myself that I really don't want to lose. I'm not a sex addict .. It doesn't interfere with my normal everyday life at all. I just really get into it when I'm doing it and I just have started not to want it with him. Even my sexual imagination is shutting down and I'm worried I wont ever get it back! Part of me thinks its a self preservation thing because he hasn't verbalized how he feels and another part just thinks that I'm secretly craving a better sexual outlet. I just keep having dreams of making out or having sex with other men and I feel so guilty about it and its not even real!!!!!! He knows how I feel about the sex stuff because I've told him and when I've fought with him about it he does a little bit better for a week or two and then it fades off again.

I have no idea what to do. :*(



Answers


bella
180 days ago
Hi - sorry you're having relationship trouble and doubts. TBH its sounds like you might be miss-matched sexually. You desire more frequent sex with foreplay and he's the opposite. Its possible for him to improve somewhat but not totally. In addition when a couple begins arguing about sex, this makes it worse.

All you can do is, explain exactly what you need, without making him feel bad and see what he says. You can also encourage him to get a reputable book on how to please a woman. If it doesn't improve, you don't want to stay if you're not fulfilled. Best of luck.
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CDN_socialworker
180 days ago
Howdy,

It's unfortunate that you are having these persistent problems, I find things like this always come to a head during the holidays, stress layered on stress. I understand how frustrating it can be to have deep feelings for someone and to not have those feelings reciprocated, but perhaps it's time to take a look at yourself and do an inventory on your relationship as well.

From what you have stated, it seems that you aren't compatible as partners. Note that I said it SEEMS that way. You're the one that really needs to do an inventory and draw up a list of what he brings into your life, and what you bring into his. If your sexual self is a very important aspect of your relationship to you, and he isn't receptive to it, then you need to work to find some common ground, or decide that perhaps a relationship isn't what the two of you were meant to have.

That isn't to say he is a bad person, or negating your feelings for him, but it's entirely possible to love a person and still realize that a relationship with them just isn't realistic.

We all tend to stay in relationships long after we know deep down that it isn't going to be realistic. it's a hard decision to make, but if your partner isn't capable of providing what you need (or vice versa) then it's best to part amiably, then drag it out and wait until you are both resentful and bitter towards each other.

I like to explain to my clients that relationships are a lot like a pair of old tennis shoes. Sometimes we keep a pair of shoes because they are comfortable and familiar, maybe they fit well and they've been with you on some adventure which you've attached to them sentimentally. The bottom line is that they aren't the same shoes you bought in the store, maybe they leak and have a hole in them, maybe the loops for the laces have ripped...For many reasons, they haven't stood the test of time, yet we keep them because they are what we are use to, but comfortable is not always the same as being good for you.

Not every relationship will end up old and comfortable and worn out, but we all need to develop the ability to identify the ones that do, and that goes for any form of relationship between you and someone else, friendships too. Sometimes it's a natural occurrence, but it's definitely time to take a look and check the soles of your relationship for holes and leaks.
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MEdwards
180 days ago
Hi Scano. I hope I can be of some help.

I have to agree with the advice given. I'm sure he's a great guy, and I don't doubt for a moment that you love him very much, but mismatched sex drives and preferences can serve as a major bump in the road later on, perhaps even more so than it is now. The best remedy I can offer for trying to fix that is talking to him on a consistent basis...trying to make sure it doesn't reach that point where it "peter's out," back to bad sex, but without trying to make it too much at the forefront of your communication, if that makes sense. Otherwise, I truly think it is in your best longterm interest to seek other partners. A relationship marked by sexual unfulfillment is not a good basis to enter into a long term status. :(

As far as him saying "I love you," I do certainly understand your concern, as much as I understand his. My mother's side and father's side of the family is very much into the "I love you's" and hugs, but my stepfather's is not at all. I think the last time my stepfather and I said we love one another was...2-3 years ago (mind you, I'm 19)? It feels awkward to us both. That said, he is in a relationship, and it's not at all fair to you for him to withhold that from you. I don't think it's a matter of him not loving you, as I'm sure he does. I just think the notion of expressing it is foreign to him...I see that a lot in my mother and stepfather's interactions. That said, I see that A LOT in my mother and stepfather's interactions, and I know she's not pleased with that. Having seen it, I would tell you that he either needs to start being more expressive with you, or you need to seek other people. It's not something you like now... pessimistic as it might sound of me to say, it is something you'll dislike ten times more in the future. :(

Do forgive me if my tone came off too negative. I only hope to offer what is best for you in the long term. Please take care, know you're in my prayers, and that I wish you a very merry Christmas.
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solyka
179 days ago
It was similar with my bf and I but I found that gradually introducing him to intimacy in the privecy of closed doors helped. I couldn't get a hug out of him but in privacy I leaned against him then maybe hugged his arm or placed my hand on his knee and moved up from there. He's vietnamese and his parents don't even touch.
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