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<title>Psych Central Answers / SoFoolish / All</title>
<link>http://answers.psychcentral.com</link>
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<pubDate>Tue, 03 Jun 2008 14:52:33 -0500</pubDate>
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<item>
<title><![CDATA[How to get over an emotional affair?]]></title>
<link>http://answers.psychcentral.com/RelationshipsandSex/How_to_get_over_an_emotional_affair/</link>
<comments>http://answers.psychcentral.com/RelationshipsandSex/How_to_get_over_an_emotional_affair/</comments>
<pubDate>Tue, 03 Jun 2008 14:52:33 -0500</pubDate>
<dc:creator>SoFoolish</dc:creator>
<category>Relationships and Sex</category>
<guid>http://answers.psychcentral.com/RelationshipsandSex/How_to_get_over_an_emotional_affair/</guid>
<description><![CDATA[This is kind of a follow up, but I'm not sure how to link the two questions. My fiance had an emotional affair a few months ago with a married woman. I believe he told me everything, but I'll never really be sure. As far as I know, it never got physical. I had to catch him twice before it really ended, and honestly I'm still not completely sure it did. I decided to try and stay with him. we have kids and I do love him. I know that if I want to spend the rest of my life with him, it definitely won't be easy. When everything first happened, I thought about leaving him. I contacted her and told her to respect our relationship and leave him alone. I know that it is more his fault than hers, but I felt like she should respect that I acted the way I did about it and back off. It took a while for everything to come out and I think that's part of my problem. When I initially caught him, he said that he felt unappreciated and made a bad decision by deciding to handle it that way. But the thing is, it didn't stop there. Behind my back they kept talking. You know what? I could be mistaken, I might have caught them 3 times. The 2nd time, I saw that she had called his cell phone and asked him about it. By then he had erased it from the call logs and tried to tell me that I was crazy. I knew I wasn't, so I called the company and had them send the call logs to me. When I got them, I realized that he had been talking to her a lot more than what he was letting on. But before the solid proof, he wouldn't admit anything. Again he said that he wasn't talking to her anymore.Honestly, I hope that I don't get myself in trouble for saying this, but it is important to understand where my head was. And to my credit I really didn't realize it was against the law until later when someone told me it was. Since his cell phone had been shut off, there really was no way to tell if he had still been talking to her and I was going crazy wondering who she was. I spent a lot of money on reverse phone searches and so forth. It was a prepaid cell phone and I couldn't find any info except the carrier. By trial and error I found out her pin so I could access her account on line and found her husband. I called him and told him everything, I thought that inside that would make me feel better. In the process I was able to access her call logs and was able to see that he had been calling her from work and friend's phones. So again, things blew up, again, I almost left. Somehow inside, I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be, that he isn't all bad. I know I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and forever really is a long time. So I guess I feel like if this is the worst thing we go thru, then maybe it's not that bad. I guess it's the fact that I feel like he never really came clean with everything. Like I said, initially he said that he did it to make me mad and make me realize what I had. Then when I asked why he kept talking to her he said that she was a pretty nice person and he didn't just want to be like that. The next thing I was told was that he didn't know why he kept talking to her, they were just talking.  One thing that really bothers me is that I thought by looking at her call logs, they had stopped talking. Eventually I found out, she actually had sold the phone. Much later, he tells me that he didn't know she sold the phone. But he knew she had a new number. She had called and gave it to him but he never wrote it down. I had it written on a piece of paper and it struck his memory, so sometime later he told me that he knew the number. When I asked what had made him stop talking to her he said he didn't know he just did. He just didn't want to talk to her anymore. To me that all just doesn't add up. All the months that he kept in contact with her, thru the blowups at home and everything, that just doesn't sound right to me. It wasn't when you saw how you were hurting me you left her alone, it was when you decided you were bored with it? That is a huge thing for me. He says I'm focusing on little things, but to me it changes everything. To me that says they were talking longer than I realized and when he &quot;came clean&quot; that should have been included. When he &quot;stopped&quot; talking to her I was again blind to the fact. Doesn't it seem like he wouldn't have kept talking to her thru all this if he was just going to get bored and decide he didn't feel like it anymore? Especially if there wasn't anything physical. This was supposed to be a phone relationship. She would stop by his job on her way to work sometimes. That is the most i could get. But that could be because I caught him up to the point he had to say something and really there is no way to get solid proof they slept together now, I'll never really know. I guess inside I do still hold some resentment towards him and I am still hurt. I try not to bash him about it, or bring it up in our arguments, and I'm doing pretty well if I do say so myself. But somehow I have like this revenge complex against this woman. Part of me knows it's overboard and I need to let go. But part of me really feels justified and it's a real struggle inside keeping myself from harassing her.Am I focusing on details that I shouldn't be? I really just feel like I want to know every single detail, I feel like I need that to move on. How do I stop obsessing over this woman? What can we do as a couple or individually to actually make it? Is he worth it if I want him to be? I guess I'm asking if I am blind or is it possible for this to work and us to be happy or am I just fooling myself?I know that we do need counseling. This isn't going to &quot;fix&quot; us. But some good advice from someone who knows would be very appreciated.Oh and thanks so much to the Answers community in general. I haven't even known about this site for long and I have to say that just writing it all out and hearing from another persons perspective is so helpful. Thanks a lot.<br/><br/>1 Vote(s) ]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA[How do you move beyond an abusive childhood?]]></title>
<link>http://answers.psychcentral.com/General_Other/How_do_you_move_beyond_an_abusive_childhood/</link>
<comments>http://answers.psychcentral.com/General_Other/How_do_you_move_beyond_an_abusive_childhood/</comments>
<pubDate>Thu, 22 May 2008 19:49:31 -0500</pubDate>
<dc:creator>SoFoolish</dc:creator>
<category>General / Other</category>
<guid>http://answers.psychcentral.com/General_Other/How_do_you_move_beyond_an_abusive_childhood/</guid>
<description><![CDATA[First I should thank anyone who actually takes the time to read this, I have a feeling it might take a little while. I'm 25 yrs old and I am the mom of 3 beautiful children. I came from a very unstable childhood and I'm finding that these things are really affecting me today. I've never had counseling and don't really have the resources to do so, so I am doing the best I can to work through things on my own.When I was 2 I was sexually molested by my father. My mom took him out of my life until I was 8. At the time she took me to the Dr to see if there was any proof of it. I was too young to talk and there was no actual physical penetration, therefore no proof. When I was 8 she decided to let him back into my life. Everything was great. He had remarried a woman with 3 kids. 2 girls and a boy. One older stepsister and one younger. After a few months of visiting, my older stepsister started talking to me telling me that my dad was touching her innapropriately. At this point I didn't even remember what happened(I hope it dosen't sound crazy but I truly think I blocked it from my mind. I'll explain more later)I told her to stop lying, that he wouldn't do anything like that. Inside I was very confused because she was saying he abused her but everytime I saw her near him she was all smiles, sitting on his lap and whatnot. I didn't understand that some victims react this way. Around the time I was 11 my mom met her 4th husband and decided to move out of state. I didn't want to move away so she sent me to live with my sister. My sister decided that she wanted to be where my mom was and moved there also. Again, I didn't want to go so they sent me to live with my dad. I shared a room with my 2 stepsisters and one night while I was sleeping, I woke up and rolled over to see my dad leaning over my older step sister touching her. Honestly, still to this day I don't know if I've ever felt fear of that magnitude. The next day  blew the whistle and everyone found out. He admitted it, said he needed help, he was sorry, the tears and all. They took me and my stepsister back out of the house to live with my sister again. My stepmom and younger stepsister and brother stayed there. He never got any help. Everyone just kind of acted like they forgot or something and life went on as usual. Around 13 I moved back in with my mom until I was 15. The man she married and moved out of state with was absolutely horrible. He didn't really like kids. He didn't do much with us and I can honestly say that I spent nearly all of the time between my 13 and 16 bdays grounded. I know I wasn't easy to deal with, but in no way was it to that extent. I just knew he didn't like me and would rather if I wasn't around. I despised the fact that he was able to come into my home and basically imprison me. I mean no phone, no friends, no life outside of my family, period. That yr my grandma died on Christmas Eve and she was living in another state. I went to go to her funeral and missed Christmas with my family. Thankfully mom would tape it every yr so I started looking for the tape. I came across a tape of myself getting dressed for school. The angle was really strange and I couldn't figure out how this had even been taken. My mom asked her husband and he asmitted that he had in fact taped me. He said that he did it because he thought I was smking marijuana. And in fairness I can see being concerned. The only problem is that I had absolutely no outside ventilation besides the fact that I had no privacy. My mom didn't knock before she came in, she just did. I wasn't doing drugs in my mom's house and trust me if I was she would have known. So everyone sits down and she asked me if I wanted him to leave. I was scared and honestly, in my head it went something like this, I tell him to go, he does. A couple months later she'll be lonely and he'll be back. Then my life will really suck. So I told her no he didn't have to leave and she told me that from then on the situation was done. There was nothing left to talk about and it was our business so it better not leave the house. After a while it started to eat at me. I really felt like I had to talk to someone so I talked to my sister. Well, it came back around and my mom was very upset. She sent me to live with my sister because of it and told everyone I was having these horrific behaviour problems. I love my sister and I'm soo glad she was there to help me but I don't think she was equipped to deal with my problems. we fought a lot and I was very depressed. One time when we got into it, she stormed out. My sister had just had major back surgery a few months before, and just got her refills. I took the oppourtunity and took a baggy to the kitchen and filled it with about 200 pills. We didn't have a phone at the time and we lived on a farm where we only had one neighbor. So, I tucked my suicide note so it wouldn't be obvious what i had done and started swallowing pills. The next thing I know, it's the next day and they are telling me that I am very lucky to be alive. They sent me to a psychiatric facility for 5 days to get help. The first phone call I made was to my mom, she was a couple states away. Can you believe the very first thing she says to me is that she can't believe I would try for attention so hard that I would do something that might possibly get my brothers taken from her. She even went so far as to tell me I better not talk about it. I got over it and tryed to move on. I had to move back in with her and her husband that she was still with. She stayed with him until I was out of her house and she found someone new to love her. Around 20 I started remembering things or so I think. At first I thought that maybe since I had thought for so long that my dad had touched me, maybe I made it up. So I talked to my mom about it and asked her. She never actually told me what i had said as a child, just that she thought he had touched me innapropriately. So I do genuinely believe that what I remember is real. I remember a lot of details. I wonder if I just didn't want to remember. He still won't admit that he did it and he has told me I was brainwashed. I haven't had much contact with him since I've been about 16. I got pregnant with my daughter and he disowned me because of her father's race. I kinda think that was God's way of giving me an exit point from his life. Once I had children i knew he couldn't be a part of my life anymore. I have left some things out for the sake that this is not supposed to be a novel. But I'm sure you get the idea.Here I am now. I am trying very hard to move on. But something inside me won't let go. Neither of my parents have ever acknowledged what has happened. Well my mom to a certain extent but we never actually talk about it. Anything I bring up gets met with a guilt trip. She tells me that she knows she was a horrible mother and so on. I feel like I need them to acknowledge so i can move on, but in my heart I know that won't ever happen. Any advice on how to move on with my life would be great. I try not to identify myself as a victim but inside I still feel victimized. How do I take my life back?<br/><br/>1 Vote(s) ]]></description>
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<item>
<title><![CDATA[Am I genuinely crazy?]]></title>
<link>http://answers.psychcentral.com/RelationshipsandSex/Am_I_genuinely_crazy/</link>
<comments>http://answers.psychcentral.com/RelationshipsandSex/Am_I_genuinely_crazy/</comments>
<pubDate>Fri, 09 May 2008 20:35:34 -0500</pubDate>
<dc:creator>SoFoolish</dc:creator>
<category>Relationships and Sex</category>
<guid>http://answers.psychcentral.com/RelationshipsandSex/Am_I_genuinely_crazy/</guid>
<description><![CDATA[I found out my husband was talking to another married woman. He said he was sorry and it would never happen again, blah, blah, blah. A couple months later wouldn't you know he's been calling her again. So I called and explained to her that if she didn't already know, we are married and she needs to respect our relationship and leave him alone. Mind you, like I said, she is married too. Fast forward a couple more months again and they never did stop talking. I decided that I at least had to know who this woman was, it was really getting to me.Besides, I felt like her husband had the right to know what kind of waoman she was. So I payed quite a bit of money to many of these reverse cell phone searches but couldn't come up with anything but the carrier. So here's the part I'm pretty sure is crazy. I just couldn't let it go. I eventually thru trial and error broke the code on her cell account and accessed her call logs and info. I have to say I really didn't think about the fact that it was against the law until after the fact. Mind you, a 4 digit pin has 10,000 possibilities, about 5-6 hrs of time all together. I was almost posessed until I broke the code, it was really like an impulse I felt like I couldn't control. My question is not concerning him, I don't even want to go there,lol. Did I lose it for a minute or is that within the normal range when something like that happens? Should I be waiting for the next episode? And someone told me that it was wrong to her in general that I had no right. But I feel like they pushed me to that and why would I respect her? They have caused so much pain in my life why shouldn't she get dealt a little something back?<br/><br/>1 Vote(s) ]]></description>
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