I LIVE WITH MY MOM TO HELP HER OUT BUT I'M HAVING A HARD TIME. MY MOM ALLOWED MY BROTHER AND I TO BE PHYSICALLY ABUSED BY MY DAD WHEN WE WERE GROWING UP AND MY DAD ALSO SEXUALLY ABUSED ME AND WHEN I TOLD, MY MOM DIDN'T BELIEVE ME.
SHE STOPPED SPEAKING TO ME UNTIL I WROTE A LETTER TO MY DAD SAYING I WAS SORRY AND SAID NOTHING REALLY HAPPENED TO ME, EVEN THOUGH IT REALLY DID. PROBLEM NOW IS MY MOM STILL DOESN'T BELIEVE IN ANY OF THE ABUSE SHE JUST SAY'S TIMES WERE DIFFERENT BACK THEN. SO I GUESS IN THE PAST KIDS WERE ALLOWED TO BE ABUSED AND NOW THERE NOT. MY PROBLEM IS I WANT TO FORGIVE MY MOM SO I CAN HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH HER, SOMETHING I'VE ALWAYS WANTED. BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO FORGIVE HER FOR PAST EVENTS, I'M STILL DEALING WITH A LOT OF ISSUE'S IN THERAPY AND I HAVE D.I.D./M.P.D. BECAUSE OF THE ABUSE BUT FOR SOME REASON I JUST CAN'T FORGIVE HER. MAYBE I GUESS BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE ME. HAS ANYONE EVER HAD THIS HAPPEN TO THEM. MY MOM TURNS 60 THIS YEAR AND I JUST WANT TO GET PAST ISSUE'S SO WE CAN FINALLY BE CLOSE BEFORE SHE PASSES, BOTH MY MOM'S PARENTS DIED YOUNG AND I FEEL SHE DOESN'T HAVE A LOT OF YEARS LEFT AND I WANT A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HER INSTEAD OF A SUPERFICIAL ONE. WHAT CAN I DO?
THANKS!
SHE STOPPED SPEAKING TO ME UNTIL I WROTE A LETTER TO MY DAD SAYING I WAS SORRY AND SAID NOTHING REALLY HAPPENED TO ME, EVEN THOUGH IT REALLY DID. PROBLEM NOW IS MY MOM STILL DOESN'T BELIEVE IN ANY OF THE ABUSE SHE JUST SAY'S TIMES WERE DIFFERENT BACK THEN. SO I GUESS IN THE PAST KIDS WERE ALLOWED TO BE ABUSED AND NOW THERE NOT. MY PROBLEM IS I WANT TO FORGIVE MY MOM SO I CAN HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH HER, SOMETHING I'VE ALWAYS WANTED. BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO FORGIVE HER FOR PAST EVENTS, I'M STILL DEALING WITH A LOT OF ISSUE'S IN THERAPY AND I HAVE D.I.D./M.P.D. BECAUSE OF THE ABUSE BUT FOR SOME REASON I JUST CAN'T FORGIVE HER. MAYBE I GUESS BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE ME. HAS ANYONE EVER HAD THIS HAPPEN TO THEM. MY MOM TURNS 60 THIS YEAR AND I JUST WANT TO GET PAST ISSUE'S SO WE CAN FINALLY BE CLOSE BEFORE SHE PASSES, BOTH MY MOM'S PARENTS DIED YOUNG AND I FEEL SHE DOESN'T HAVE A LOT OF YEARS LEFT AND I WANT A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HER INSTEAD OF A SUPERFICIAL ONE. WHAT CAN I DO?
THANKS!
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Answers
Hi there. I'm sorry you felt you needed to say you lied about the abuse. After doing the hard part of disclosure, you were invalidated not just by unbelief, but by your own denial. :(
You won't be able to have a regular relationship as long as you feel she is responsible for allowing the abuse. You can have a better relationship is you can allow for the idea that maybe she was also abused into allowing it? You know how you were, unable to do anything...even though children can't possibly overpower an adult or anyone with power over them. Maybe the power held over her was something she still can't share. I've heard of fathers holding back food money from the mother until such things were allowed. The mother had to chose between sexual abuse and starving children, an impossible choice!
We all have secrets from our parents. Mainly because we just don't think they would understand, and often because it doesn't matter to us anymore and we don't want to dig it up.
Try and find some good that you enjoy about your mom, and things that you enjoy doing together, and build on those.
Take care
drjean
Hi Ann Marie,
Its sad that you had to feel invalidated and not worth their time, yet you are worth their time, and you are very important.
I do hope that you can find a good therapist (if you havent one already) who can help you with your issues that you are going through.
Its sad that anything bad happens to people, especially to younger people.
Best,
Clyde