I have caught my boyfriend lying, about speaking to his ex wife when he told me he told her off, going out to bars and talking to other girls that "his friends gives his number to". When I confronted him he told me everything. He says he is scared to tell me these things because he knows how upset I get. When we talked, I told him he broke our trust and broke my heart. He told me he wants us to work, and that he will do anything to gain my trust back. I can't stop snooping in his phone records and email. It's driving me crazy, I love him and I want to trust him, but can I? He says I just need to have faith that he's learned his lesson, and that he will never again do something to jeopardize us. What should I do?
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Answers
Well, firstly, I am sorry to hear this is happening. However, trust is a two way street also. He should of never gave you any reason to doubt him, as he should of never cheated on you. I can definitely understand why you feel like snooping on his phone records and email and stuff, but it just helps to feed the misery you both are experiencing.
My best idea is for the two of you or at least for you to seek counseling for this humongous problem.
The idea of just having faith is good, however; it does not help the underlying problems of why a person cheated to begin with, nor why you feel the need to continue to check in on his phone records and emails (your own insecurity about the relationship).
I wish you both the best of luck, and I hope you seek help soon. I hope the relationship works out fine and you both get the love back you both need.
Thanks for the response!
I talked about going to a therapist to talk to someone outside of our circle of friends, and at first he rejected the idea. But when I caught him in another lie he said he was willing to do anything.
I'm just worried that even if we go, I still won't fully trust him. It took me a long time to trust him initially and then I found out that I trusted him when he was lying to me.
We just moved in together, and that is when I found all this out. I changed my entire life for him. Moved from FL to TX, leaving my job, school and friends.
He is in the military and I am worried his military friends will get the best of him. His ex-wife cheated on him while he was deployed, and I went through one without ever straying.
I feel like I'm working harder at this than him. I wrote him a letter just yesterday telling him everything. I gave him old letters he wrote me while he was in Iraq and asked him to read them to remind him of how he was.
I'm trying to fix this...I'm just worried I'm trying for nothing!
Thanks for the response!
I talked about going to a therapist to talk to someone outside of our circle of friends, and at first he rejected the idea. But when I caught him in another lie he said he was willing to do anything.
I'm just worried that even if we go, I still won't fully trust him. It took me a long time to trust him initially and then I found out that I trusted him when he was lying to me.
We just moved in together, and that is when I found all this out. I changed my entire life for him. Moved from FL to TX, leaving my job, school and friends.
He is in the military and I am worried his military friends will get the best of him. His ex-wife cheated on him while he was deployed, and I went through one without ever straying.
I feel like I'm working harder at this than him. I wrote him a letter just yesterday telling him everything. I gave him old letters he wrote me while he was in Iraq and asked him to read them to remind him of how he was.
I'm trying to fix this...I'm just worried I'm trying for nothing!
I hope it works out for you. I am sure you are worried that you are trying for nothing. Thats what sucks about life, lots of times we dont always know in the beginning if its worth it or not.
I hope you find out before it hurts you too much, and I do hope its a good answer--one you want to hear.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but these types of relationships rarely work out.
I'm sorry you gave up everything expecting the same devotion you give. He appears to have a life long habit of this behavior, and the military and war may only worsen it.
I don't know if you have any access to counseling benefits for yourself, but I am sure he does. Suggest he begin counseling for this behavior. If you wish to continue to try, that's ok, but you need to reestablish your own life and do good self care while he does.
I tend to say to trust your gut instincts, which you have said is you're trying for nothing. Why not separate for the time being, even return to Florida. If it's meant to be, then it will work out. But I wouldn't be hanging around waiting, but having a life in the meantime.
Good wishes.
drjean