First, let me state the facts. I have major depression, dysthymia, anxiety, and PT SD. I have been in therapy since I was 2. Manic depression runs in my family.
I stopped taking my meds a month ago (Prozac and welbutrin), and since then, I've noticed a change in myself...
Recently I've been changing. I don't know if the way I'm changing is good, or bad. I have had a very reckless attitude about everything. I've been doing things I normally wouldn't do. Like not coming home for 3 days (I'm 17 and usually really good), or not eating for a few days, or drinking a lot of alcohol (enough to kill myself), or driving drunk and without a license, or meeting people online and then meeting them in person. But I'm not sure if these things I'm doing are a part of "growing up" or if I'm becoming more depressed and reckless. I'm about to go to college. I'm excited to "be free", but at the same time, I don't really care.
I still plan on killing myself. I talk about it a lot. I think about it constantly. But I just haven't had the courage to do it. I've pretty much planned it. I want to do it. I hate myself. I deserve to die. But at the same time, I can't see myself doing it. I get scared when I am about to do something. I have envisioned killing myself for so long; and I still do. I just get scared.
My reckless behavior is a way to harm myself, and I figure that if I do somehow end up dead, either by killing myself on purpose or on accident, or someone else killing me on purpose or on accident, then I am still fulfilling my "goal" of suicide.
I don't know if my depression is getting worse or if I'm just "growing up". What should I do? I already see a psychiatrist weekly, but I don't like him. And I don't have any friends or family that I can talk to. I just have me. What should I do?
I stopped taking my meds a month ago (Prozac and welbutrin), and since then, I've noticed a change in myself...
Recently I've been changing. I don't know if the way I'm changing is good, or bad. I have had a very reckless attitude about everything. I've been doing things I normally wouldn't do. Like not coming home for 3 days (I'm 17 and usually really good), or not eating for a few days, or drinking a lot of alcohol (enough to kill myself), or driving drunk and without a license, or meeting people online and then meeting them in person. But I'm not sure if these things I'm doing are a part of "growing up" or if I'm becoming more depressed and reckless. I'm about to go to college. I'm excited to "be free", but at the same time, I don't really care.
I still plan on killing myself. I talk about it a lot. I think about it constantly. But I just haven't had the courage to do it. I've pretty much planned it. I want to do it. I hate myself. I deserve to die. But at the same time, I can't see myself doing it. I get scared when I am about to do something. I have envisioned killing myself for so long; and I still do. I just get scared.
My reckless behavior is a way to harm myself, and I figure that if I do somehow end up dead, either by killing myself on purpose or on accident, or someone else killing me on purpose or on accident, then I am still fulfilling my "goal" of suicide.
I don't know if my depression is getting worse or if I'm just "growing up". What should I do? I already see a psychiatrist weekly, but I don't like him. And I don't have any friends or family that I can talk to. I just have me. What should I do?
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Answers
Hi Sarahp,
So many of us on this site can relate to some of the things you are experiencing. My heart goes out to you.
When someone stops their meds suddenly, it is a sure thing that they will have the same or similar symptoms to yours. From what I know of my experiences and experiences of family & friends, your symptoms are getting worse and you seem to be able to sense that what you feel and are doing is quite serious. You need to get medical help. If you don't feel you trust your P, please go to your nearest Emergency Room--have a family member or friend go with you if need be, or if you can see your regular MD right away, do so. Also, check out this link to get immediate help from people who care and have some experience. Someone gave me this link not very long ago and it helped me tremendously. I also printed out a page with info and a phone number to keep in my wallet in case I have a crisis while I'm away from home. You'll find a couple of sites listed where you can talk to someone anonymously--but they care and will help you. Here it is: http://psychcentral.com/resources/Suicide_and_Crisis/
We all care here so please let us know how you are doing and if you finally find a P you trust. There are great ones out there.
Journey
Hi there Sarah!
You do need to start taking your meds again.
Your symptoms are getting worse, indeed, and you need to deal with them accordingly.
Inksprings link is good...check on that, and also you may want to try a different T if you dont get along with them. Things can always change for the better too, not just the worst.
Best,
Clyde