I have been dating my current girlfriend now for about 15 months now. She and I have always had kind of a bumpy relationship, but we have always persevered and beaten the odds. The biggest problem now is that I feel like I'm married to her. She and I have been living together now for about 5 months, which again, contributes to feeling like I'm married. My problem is that I don't know if I am still in love with her and even want to continue the relationship, which makes me feel like a terrible person. At times I feel irrationally trapped by the relationship for no reason at all. I know that I still have deep feelings for her, I just don't know if I'm still in love with her, that I feel that spark that makes me want to be with her for as long as possible. Am I with her for the sheer convenience of not having to spend the energy forging another relationship? Am I with her because I feel it a waste to have spent 15 months with her only to end it now. I find myself infatuated in an affair of sorts, with my boss. But then again, it's probably temporary, as is most initial infatuation.
Basically, I'm really confused and don't know what to do with myself.
Basically, I'm really confused and don't know what to do with myself.
A place to come to ask and answer questions from others on mental health and relationship issues.
Copyright © 1992-2008 Psych Central. All rights reserved.
Answers
I'm sorry to hear of your distress, and waning relationship. I'm not personally an advocate for living together before marriage, and this is one reason why. :(
I think you are becoming "infatuated" with your boss as a means of escape. Relationships continue to require work, even after you begin living and sharing everything together. Do you still date? I think it would be good to schedule a date, like you did before you moved in together. And when you go on that date (and more of them I hope) that you won't discuss bills or items that pertain to your living arrangements, unless you both agree that it would be a good thing to do.
Do you still call her like you used to? Bring her gifts? Or are you also treating it like you're married? (((hugs)))
Have you discussed these waning feelings with her? Maybe she feels them too, but is afraid to upset you. A good sharing of feelings and getting to understand where you both are at right now would do wonders for the relationship imo. If it's time has come to end, then at least you won't be suffering with it. TC
Only you can decide whether you still truly love another person or not.
But as DrJean said, your best bet is to talk to your girlfriend frankly and directly about these feelings. Communication of this nature is what makes or breaks a relationship. Successful relationships allow for open and honest communication between one another, especially when one's feelings are in question.
If your relationship was meant to be, it means doing this, and then doing the hard work necessary to maintain it. You didn't say your age, but if you're older and ready to settle down, this may be leading to something like marriage (which it sounds like you may not be quite ready for). If you're young and aren't ready for marriage, then these feelings might be the sign that you don't feel like this is the time (or perhaps the person) for such a long-term commitment.
Good luck!
Thanks for the help, I need to consider how she feels about the situation as well. I'm actually 19 at this point, but I've never really paid attention to my age or acted it, so I didn't even think to add it.
Yes, I think it is very important to discuss it with her, and to realize that if you are having thoughts/interactions with others, perhaps the two of you are not as involved as you want to be or should be?
Discuss the situation with her...of course, no one wants to hear about problems with them, but thats the only way the two of you can get better...best of luck!