Hello, I'm 18 years old and having alot of trouble being intimate with girls. I know this probably sounds weird coming from a guy but I was sexually abused for my last 2 years of high school by a girl. We were good friends all of sophomore year and towards the end she started wanting to hold my hand, sit on my lap, and wouldn't let me go anywhere without her. She started telling other people we were dating which didn't bother me too much at first. I spent that summer about 100 miles away to be with my grandma and she said she wanted to just be friends. That same night she calls me at 2 am breathing hard and says "I want you". I was confused so I didn't say anything and she said "Hey! Did you hear me?" I said yes so she said, "Do you want me?" in a very agressive tone. I just hung up and the next moring I had about 10 new messages of her saying she would kill herself if I didn't talk to her. That went on all summer and my junior year she would always come up and start rubbing on me and kissing me and when I didn't respond she would slap me or hit me. Senior year was the worst. She would try to get me to have sex with her during our lunch and she would grab my genitals and threaten to tell the school that I had a gun if I tried to break up with her. I wasn't able to date any of the girls I liked and she would touch me to the point where I felt like I was being molested. I tried a number of things to get her to leave me alone from asking her to cussing at her to threatening to press charges to ignoring her. She just wouldn't quit. Finally after graduation I moved in with my grandma and she stayed back. I don't talk to her anymore of course but now I am having a very difficult time being intimate with girls. I've had one break up with me 'cause I wouldn't have sex and my current one is worried that it's something she did and that I don't want to touch her. I have no idea how to explain this to her and how to get over my issues with intimacy. I just get so angry now everytime I'm touched by anyone and I need some ways to overcome this. Any ideas? Thank you.


3246 days ago

I'm very sorry you had a negative experience with this girl. It's unfortunate that this was your first experience and has sort of set the tone for future experiences. But you have to realize that this is a rare occurence and most girls aren't like this.

I think the first thing you need to learn is how to be more assertive. When someone is bothering you, then you need to firmly put them in their place. Next is don't rush yourself or compare yourself to others. Your interactions should be a nice balance of give and take - not with the girl being too aggressive. Move at your own pace.

Try not to let what happened ruin your chances with the girl you're with now. Have you told her about your bad experience with the other girl? I think you should share what happened to you, that way she'll know it's not her. Try to enjoy each other and just cuddle - not with the intention that anything sexual has to happen. In time you will get comfortable and build up enough trust in her to be more comfortable being touched. Keep thinking re-assuring thoughts that touching is pleasurable. Make it a habit that everytime you see each other, that you hug and kiss (sort of desensitizing yourself). I hope it all works out for you both.

3246 days ago
I would recommend a therapist for sure. Its horrible what happened, and it definitely is a result of what happened previously in your life.

You need to let the therapist know how this has affected your life and that you feel you cannot have a good, romantic life.



3245 days ago
Sex is kind of an awkward thing even if you haven't had a tumultuous sexual history. I didn't have sex until I was a junior in college and I had a lot of anxiety when I actually did. I am sure that part of your anxiety about being touched and having sex is just normal, routine anxiety.

Aside from understanding and remembering that, I think you need to find closure with what happened. Stuff like that can be very confusing because it's easy to get confused between what you're actually feeling and what you think you're "supposed" to be feeling (aroused? offended? victimized?). Events like these can also prey on and reinforce deeper feelings of fear and apprehension and make you believe that you're defective and can't achieve happiness, contentness, and success.

I think you would benefit greatly from getting closure. "Closure" is getting to a place where you can keep the past events IN THE PAST, and look forward with a sense of optimism, freshness, and hope that things will just "work out". How you achieve that closure is up to you; there's no right way or wrong way. You may write a letter, do some reflections, journal, draw a picture, have a conversation, make a collage and burn it (weird, I know, but I always thought it was a cool way to go, lol), whatever. In fact, the more personal, the better.

Once you have that closure, you'll have a feeling of peace with your situation and yourself. It doesn't mean you won't have any feelings of apprehension or memories of what happened. The memories will come and you'll just have to acknowledge them and make peace with them. The awkwardness will come too, as, like I said above, sexual intimacy IS AWKWARD, especially in the beginning. But over time, you'll get a little less weird about it and the impact of those memories will fade.

You have not been scarred for life. You are completely able to have a great relationship.