Avatar Posted by lofmim 3254 days ago (Question)
My daughter just turned 18 and wont listen to me or her dad. She just blow up at me and she tried to hit me last night. she wants to move out and we want her to when she graduates in a couple of weeks. She took off on foot last night with this guy that we tried to help and now he is making her think he is her only friend in the world and turning her against us. She has always made A's in school and has a good paying job. I dont want to lose her what do I do to help her, we dont want her out on the streets.


Answers


bella
3254 days ago
Hi,

I understand how this must be very upsetting. Unfortunately because she's 18 and an adult, she can make this decision. You said she was going to move out in 2 weeks after graduation - has she found a place yet. Why exactly are you upset - does 2 weeks make a big difference? I agree it would be best to wait until after graduation. What was the argument about?

Could you call and tell her that you want to solve this peacefully, where everyone can be happy. You don't want to fight because this will push her away more. You can say - this should be a happy time(graduation) and she should take her time and move out the right way - on good peaceful terms. I'm sure she has to come back and get her things anyway - right? When she does come back, try to be calm and not angry. I realize that you must be hurt with her trying to hit you. I'm a mom too, so I feel with you. I hope everything works out for all of you.
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mouldme24
3254 days ago
i am a young parent and so my answer may be of no use but i was living alone at the age of 17 i think that if your daughter has left the home and has also been violent toward you that the best thing that you can do is let her know that you love her and that although you are her parents you dont have all the answers and can not always agree with her on what is best but your experience makes you feel that this is not the right course of action but no matter what you will always be around for her and that you hope one day you can all accept that what you do is because you have the best interests at heart if you wish to reply my email is [email protected]
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Edahn
3254 days ago
Wow. This is incredibly tough.

I think your first priority should be to try to open a line of good (or fairly good) communication. That means that your daughter ABSOLUTELY does not hit you, exercises control of her outbursts, and talks calmly. It also means that you do the same with her. Have you and your husband both done everything you can to talk to your daughter calmly? If not, you should take responsibility and admit TO HER that you have fallen short of your own expectations but that you have made a real commitment to speaking calmly. Learning how to communicate is really an art. You have to pay attention to signs that the hostility in the conversation is rising, which means paying attention to the rhythm, tone, volume, words, and ideas being expressed.

Another thing you want to pay attention to is whether you are treating your daughter with respect. This goes hand in hand with talking calmly. Treating her with respect doesn't mean you let her do anything she wants, but that you look at her as someone worthy of consideration. You honor her feelings, ideas, and beliefs, even if you don't agree with them. It also means that you examine your own behavior and fix your own errors. I'm curious what the last conversation you had with your daughter was and why she blew up at you both. Is she looking for respect? There are, of course, many other reasons your daughter would choose to vent onto her parents, like being apprehensive about leaving friends, going to a new school, being in an unhealthy relationship, and whatever other problems teens face that I'm sure you both faced at some point.

A good time to have this conversation would be when she comes to get her stuff or calls you both. You can open that conversation by acknolwedging any mistakes that you made or have been making and trying to validate her take on things. By "validate" I mean acknowledge some of her perspectives by saying something like "I can see why you said the things that you said. I'm not upset. I just want to clear the air." As I see it, your daughter is engaged in battle with you both right now and will not want to surrender that because it's painful. One thing you can say to alleviate that concern is that you want to have a brief, calm conversation where she considers some of the things you have to say. You can even tell her that she will not be forced to respond, but just to sit, listen, and, if she chooses to respond, to do so calmly. Like I said, I think saying that (1) physical violence is not the way to go and (2) taking responsibility for your errors, if any would be a really good start. If she protests with anger, just say "I have no problem listening to you, but it needs to be done calmly. Your goal here is just to loosen up her mind so she sees that you're not the enemy, and to give her some alternative ways of looking at things. I would try to be genuine but not needy or weak. Be firm and rational but considerate and understanding. I would definitely solicit some of HER opinions, asking her how you all could improve your relationship. If she offers feedback, even if you don't agree, try and see what she's saying and tell her that you can work on that. If you need clarification, ask for it. If you're really stuck (if she's asking for something unreasonable) tell her what your concern is. At the end, however, thank for her honesty and tell her you will reflect on it.

For the meantime, try keeping that same genuine but not needy or weak tone when you talk to her on the phone (assuming you will).

If I were you, I would truly try and see things from her perspective. That would help you understand what she's looking for and see if you're able to provide it. It'll also help you look at your own decisions and see if anything needs adjustment. Third, it'll help you figure out if your daughter is open at all to discussion or still to angry at something (possibly you both) to consider stopping (i.e., submitting) and taking responsibility for her OWN behavior.

The key here, in my opinion, is setting a good example of responsible behavior by SHOWING HER how you can take responsiblity for your actions and mistakes and still be okay. The way to do that is by acknowledging your own mistakes openly and knowing that it doesn't change your quality as a parent or your role. The other key is anticipating her hesitation and attitude. No one likes feeling sad, and anger is a way to sometimes avoid that sadness. Whatever is going on with her that made her angry, she now also has to feel bad about hitting you too. Try and make that transition easy for her and gradual, rather than forcing her to submit to your will.

Best of luck. I think you can do it.
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Clyde
3248 days ago
I hate the idea too, but since she is 18, she can basically do what she wants. I know this sounds like tough love and it probably is, but allow her the chance to move if she wants and see what happens.

I would also talk to her, without yelling on either side, and allow her to explain her point of view. It may help.

Best,

Clyde
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