I feel like I dont want to be alive right now. I dont think im going to kill myself, that would be too much effort and would hurt too many people.

But I feel like my whole body cant move and I cant make myself want to do anything. I feel like im in pain, like im trapped.
Iv had this trapped feeling when i once smoked marijuana and lay in bed unable to move wishing it would end, thinking this is the worst experience of my life.

Its like that now. Sometimes I cry a bit, like a few tears but i dont really have energy to cry properly. Im not even crying for a reason.
I like sleeping because then I can escape but theres only so much one can sleep. My limbs feel heavy and i feel like everything is dulled, like i cant feel physical pain.

I hate this so much
and i dont know what to do. I think i know how this started. everything started going wrong in my life and i started feeling sad and then it just got worse and now i
feel like im having some sort of breakdown or something. When i can muster up the energy i feel angry with myself and pathetic and i want to punish myself but i cant change anything.
i don't know what to do.i cant think straight and i dont even know why im writing this or how i have the energy to or what it could achieve. i honestly feel like i want to be dead right now.


2921 days ago

we cant diagnose you, but just from what you are describing it sounds as tho you show symptoms of clinical depression

have you been to see your doctor? sometimes there are clear medical answers to mood/emotion symptoms so it really is worth getting a full check up with bloodwork to be sure your hormones are in correct balance etc

things like a healthy diet (avoid junk food but dont go too low on carbs) and moderate exercise can "jump start" our mental health as well! Getting involved with activities or hobbies or creative things can help as can simple things like nature walks, or volunteering somewhere to make you feel like you are doing something worthwhile to help others

if your doctor finds that you are in need of a therapist, they may refer you to one, and they may also offer you medication, which can sometimes be helpful but should be a last resort as all drugs can have unwanted side effects. ( as you discovered with the MJ too!)

if you Google natural ways to treat depression you may also come up with some other self help methods. I know of many people who have found much relief from some otc supplements etc, but again, it really is best to first have a check up from your doctor to try to see what may be causing this, especially if the way you feel is severely impacting your life in a negative way

hope that helps a bit

2921 days ago
I agree with Chemar. Can you tell us how old you are? I think the 1st thing you need to do, is get a complete physical with blood tests - particularly your thyroid and screening for typical things like 'lime disease, mononucleosis and test you for fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. Once you get the all clear physically, your doctor will determine if this is depression. It's well known that depression can also cause physical aches and pains. Your doctor will discuss your treatment plan.

You also can do your part in helping yourself. This means eating healthy, exercising regularly, engaging in a fun hobby, volunteering and sleeping well. Relaxation is also very important. I recommend taking a multi vitamin with food and a vitamin D supplement, if this is alright with your doctor. It's well known now, most people are deficient in vitamin D and it plays a role in depression, aches/pains and cancer prevention.

The first step is make an appt. ASAP. You deserve to lead the best life for you, so please take care of yourself. It will get better, but you have to help by starting the process of getting well. Good luck.

2921 days ago
I know how you feel. I've felt it before. It's heavy and feels tired. Everything seems blah and nothing makes sense. Taking any kind of action seems like it'll take so much energy, and anyway, what's the point?

When I started to come out of that feeling, I started to see how actually, deep down, I was okay. I had motivation, and I had some purpose. But what happened is that any time I thought about doing something, a ton of thoughts and feelings would come flooding in. The thoughts said "that's so much work, and it doesn't make sense, and what's the point anyway, and meh," and the feelings just felt tired, empty, and pointless. Any time an idea or plan would develop, it would immediately be met with this heavy feelings.

Now, if you can see this, even just a little, then you have reclaimed ALL the power over it. Because now you can see that the thoughts and feelings aren't you. They're not the real you, they're just a layer of thinking and feelings that gets triggered by planning that diffuse and neutralize that planning. If you remember that it's just a layer, it doesn't happen anymore. You might feel a little blah, but you know it's just a reaction and it shouldn't be believed and followed.

You do need to put some effort in now to boost your moods and create different, healthy living patterns that speak to your heart and values. Whatever you know you should be doing, simple things like being out, being around people, getting on the computer, exercising, reading, learning, spending time with family -- now's the time to do it. It takes effort to RECOGNIZE the layer of confusion and disappointment, IGNORE it, and return to the activities you know you should be doing. You don't have to force yourself to feel happy or motivated. If you do, you'll probably lose. But, by just DOING the stuff you know you should be doing, you'll slowly build back that motivation and the layer of confusion will diminish on its own. It takes effort, though, and that effort start with the understanding that the layer of confusion and disappointment and despair isn't the real you, but something that's being triggered. This is also the source of hope.

You can do it.

2919 days ago
hi lisss--

you said in your post that "I think i know how this started".

I'd suggest that you go to your doctor and discuss that you know how this started. Be as detailed about this as possible. You sound like you already have insight into what's going on but you need someone to talk directly to about it. Good luck and take care.