My name is Nichole and I am a 20 year old female.
for the past 2 years I've experienced hatred towards my mind. Here is why:

-I experience very dramatic emotional highs and lows.

-I tend to talk to the people I imagine in my head. Sometimes what they tell me I don't want to hear, sometimes I "forget" that they aren't real and when I see that person I'm angry with them for saying that to me. I have many conversations with many different people, but 85% of the time its in my head.

-My dreams and daydreams tend to blend into reality. Most of the time I cant figure out if I just daydreamed it or if it actually happened.

-I get lost countless times throughout the day. But somehow I still get through work, even though half the time I wasn't there.

-I get paranoid and feel like someone is trying to hurt me. I stopped eating at home because the last time I did I got very sick and believe my step father is poisoning me. its been 7 months since I've eaten at home. And I haven't been sick, so I think I'm right.

-I stopped watching MTV years ago because every time I turn it on one of the hosts say something I said the previous day. I feel like they're watching me and using the things I say to get ratings, but there not paying me. So I stopped using land line phones and only talk on my cell for mins at a time always watching what I say.

-I can't concentrate, I can't even finish a book. I try to, I try to pick up a book but the words just melt together and i get frustrated and put it down. Lately I haven't been able to finish sentences, forgetting the simplest of words.

-I get angry at my boyfriend because I feel like he's cheating on me, or about to. So when he leaves me alone in his room I read his e-mails just to make sure. I've deleted his ex girlfriend from his cell and friends list, but I know that if he wanted to see her he would. I spend everyday with him but still feel like he goes to see her.

I feel like everyday I just sink deeper and deeper into the darkness of my mind. I want to tell someone, everyone I work with tells me Im crazy but no one really knows what happens on the inside. I cry because I don't understand whats going on, and yet I feel like this is normal. Like I should just grind my teeth and get over it. I don't have suicidal thoughts, I want to live, but I do wish death upon others with out any remorse. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but I feel nothing when I say it, Nothing...
I guess I just want to know if anyone else has
any of these feelings?


3293 days ago
Hi Nichole,

I'm sure you're not the only one who has had feelings like this. We're not doctors or therapists so we can't diagnose you. You seem aware of what's going on and that's good. I think you should go to your doctor and tell him/her everything you told us here, so you can be properly treated. You don't need to be embarassed because you won't be telling them anything they haven't already heard. Best of luck to you.

3293 days ago
I think talking to a psychiatrist is a great idea. You seem like you're experiencing some paranoia. A psychiatrist (or psychologist) can help you work with that.

If you do find a psychiatrist, you should find someone you can talk to as well, rather than just a medication dispenser. You said yourself that you're at war with your mind. That's a natural response, but also one that will cause more conflict and frustration in your life. A psychiatrist or psychologist can help you form a friendship with your mind and a better relationship with the uncomfortable thoughts and experiences you're having.

There's a book I recommend to a lot of people, "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach. I would recommend it to you, but ONLY IF you also find a therapist or psychiatrist to talk to. If money is an issue, you can probably go to a free psych clinic in your area.

Please go find some help though, for yourself.

3283 days ago
I too think that speaking to a therapist or counselor would be a great idea.

Besides, even if we were actual psychologists or therapists, you would want someone face to face to you to help you.



3116 days ago
I am writing in response to your issue because I am experiencing the same ordeal. I will be 20 years old tomorrow and my issue has been going on for about a year and a half. To give insight to my past I will say that I was homeless and had a horrible two years. I now have my own house with my boyfriend and a job at Olive Garden.

It all began about two month's into my relationship with my boyfriend, I was still homeless at the time, but I noticed intense jealousy issues with him. Overly possessive. I continued to accuse him of cheating. When I got with my boyfriend he was a very sensitive guy who was extremely caring. Month's passed and my mind continued to race, but it expanded to other topics. My body, my boyfriend, my parents, work, life style. I started to see things that weren't real. I started to see things in a different perception of what I use to feel. I am experiencing preminitions. (spelling horrible sry) anyways. I would sit in front of my mirror for hours on end and just pick at my body. My face, my stomach, my hair, etc.

Before I was homeless I was a goodie two shoe. Never drank, smoked, did drugs, or have sex. I was a virgin up until 18.5. When I became homeless a lot of my morals went out the door because day after day was a sad struggle just to want to get out of bed. The reason I am informing you of this information is because It was a horrible part of my life that I believe lead up to my state of mind.

I have no memory of moments that just past.(Due to subsiding subconciously the frustation, pain and problems i was facing. In other words i turned off my feelings to prevent myself anymore disappointments, or pain.) By doing so, I can't turn them back on to my previous mind set.

When I go to work it feels like I am not there. Time just passes by and with it my thoughts.

I will sit on the couch and look at an object and can't understand why two seconds later that I can't remember why i was doing that.

Each day is flying by me faster and faster and I have no self control over my thoughts.

My thoughts are continuous. I know I'm alive, but I don't feel alive. I feel like I am on AUTO PILOT! I say AUTO PILOT because i can work, drive, and do my duties, but it's like I am not even mentally there, but that I just do it because I know how too. I was talking to my biological grandfather about my issues. He said that he isn't a doctor, but He was diagnoised with post tramatic stress. Symptoms that are similar to schizophrenia. (My adopted grandfather who is really my uncle had schizophrenia.)

What are the signs and symptoms of PTSD?

The three groups of symptoms that are required to assign the diagnosis of PTSD are

recurrent re-experiencing of the trauma (for example, troublesome memories, flashbacks that are usually caused by reminders of the traumatic events, recurring nightmares about the trauma and/or dissociative reliving of the trauma),

avoidance to the point of having a phobia of places, people, and experiences that remind the sufferer of the trauma and a general numbing of emotional responsiveness, and

chronic physical signs of hyperarousal, including sleep problems, trouble concentrating, irritability, anger, poor concentration, blackouts or difficulty remembering things, increased tendency and reaction to being startled, and hypervigilance to threat.

The emotional numbing of PTSD may present as a lack of interest in activities that used to be enjoyed (anhedonia), emotional deadness, distancing oneself from people, and/or a sense of a foreshortened future (for example, not being able to think about the future or make future plans, not believing one will live much longer). At least one re-experiencing symptom, three avoidance/numbing symptoms, and two hyperarousal symptoms must be present for at least one month and must cause significant distress or functional impairment in order for the diagnosis of PTSD to be assigned. PTSD is considered of chronic duration if it persists for three months or more.

A similar disorder in terms of symptom repertoire is acute stress disorder. The major differences between the two disorders are that acute stress disorder symptoms persist from two days to four weeks, and a fewer number of traumatic symptoms are required to make the diagnosis as compared to PTSD.

In children, re-experiencing the trauma may occur through repeated play that has trauma-related themes instead of through memories, and distressing dreams may have more general content rather than of the traumatic event itself. As in adults, at least one re-experiencing symptom, three avoidance/numbing symptoms, and two hyperarousal symptoms must be present for at least one month and must cause significant distress or functional impairment in order for the diagnosis of PTSD to be assigned. When symptoms have been present for less than one month, a diagnosis of acute stress disorder (ASD) can be made.

Symptoms of PTSD that tend to be associated with C-PTSD include: problems regulating feelings, which can result in suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or passive aggressive behaviors; a tendency to forget the trauma or feel detached from one's life (dissociation) or body (depersonalization); persistent feelings of helplessness, shame, guilt, or being completely different from others; feeling the perpetrator of trauma is all-powerful and preoccupation with either revenge against or allegiance with the perpetrator; and severe change in those things that give the sufferer meaning, like a loss of spiritual faith or an ongoing sense of helplessness, hopelessness, or despair.

These are a few of the symptoms. All I need to ask is did you have a tramatic situation happen to you, other than death.