Hey . I am megan and i am 17
I dont know what is happening to me i cant stop crying .Every night i cry and cry and think of bad things that have happend in my life.
I live with my dad as my mum commited suicide when i was five and even though i dont really remember her i hate her ..a lot.
But my biggest problem is i am OBSESSED with two people one is a female this is not a sexual thing..i want her to be my mum and i think about her ALL the time and everyhting she says to me i cant forget and i go over it and over it in my head all day..i want her to be in my life But i also want to kill her ..so we die together i Know this sounds Phyco but ..The other person is a male and i ask him to hurt me like last night he hit my head and split it open and i was laughing ??
I ask him to have sex with me so hard i bleed and cry but i want the pain and i want people to Know i need the pain i want people to think i am a phyco ??

I know i may seem mad but i am a nice person and i like normal things like clothes. Fashion and things like that..i Kind of obsess with my looks

I also self harm very badly on one of my arms needing stitches .
I think i could have everyhting i ever wanted and i would never stop feleing like this so i dont think there is any other way out other then to kill myself and i dont really want to but i think i will


2969 days ago
Hi Megan,

the first advice I'll give you is - never make important decisions when you're upset - this means not contemplating suicide. I know you're in pain, but this isn't the answer. I've so sorry you lost your mother to suicide but please don't hate her for it. You and I have a kinship - I lost my brother to suicide almost 2 yrs ago and I lost my father when I was 2 to cancer. I know the pain of not having a parent growing up. Many times mental illness and depression runs in families. It might be a matter of getting you on the proper medication and having a good therapist to make you feel better.

You need to reach out for help and tell a caring adult - perhaps your father, other relative or school counsellor. I will also give you a good link to look at later. You can also call 1-800-SUICIDE. I guarantee things WILL get better, you just need to be patient. I think you have alot of pain inside and this is why you want to hurt yourself. You must get to the root of why you do this. It's not right that your BF complies with hurting you. I encourage you to join the forum section of psychcentral where there's a self injury forum with helpful tips - a good one is holding ice cubes until it really hurts. Hurting yourself releases endorphins and this gives temporary relief but there are other ways to get this, without hurting yourself.

I know it's normal to have alot of anger for the person who commits suicide. I was angry at my brother too. But you need to know people who do this are sick and not thinking straight and we can't blame them. I think you need someone caring to talk to about your feelings. Please go to your family doctor ASAP and if you're in danger call someone right away. Feel free to talk here as much as you like. I want you to take some slow deep breaths and wait for these feelings to pass. Here is the link and please be safe - okay?


2969 days ago
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I am very depressed lately, pain is all i feel. If I am not in pain i do not feel anything at all. My first true love is having a baby with a girl he cheated on me with who he now lives with and tells people he loves and I am still in love with him. And he tells me he's still in love with me. I met up with him after 5 months of not seeing him the other day and we had sex. I personally thought i liked rough sex but idk if it's true or not. He's hurt me so many times emotionally that it feels natural to hit him in bed and have him hit me back. We pretty much fight as we have sex. I dont know what exactly im trying to say here i need advice myself but you need to reach out to someone. I also used to self-harm pretty badly it stopped for quite a few years but i've been craving the pain lately again. I just basically want you to know you are not alone hun.

My parents never noticed the self abuse until i told them about it. I thought it was pretty clear but apparently it wasn't. Sometimes parents are afraid to ask because theyre afraid of the answers. If you don't want to go to your dad go to school counseling or call a suicide hotline they can provide you with information and tools to help your through this tough time and it's anonymous so you dont have to worry about your father finding out.

I've been dealing with this depression for quite a few years .. probably 11 years? and i'm only 19 so its been most of my life .. i've tried to whole suicide thing and it didn't work. suicide is never the answer. be safe honey. things will get better. when i was 17 i was a full blown drug addict/alcoholic/anorexic/suicidal/crazy person lol. but i no longer drink do drugs and i eat. i am still a little crazy though lol.