Avatar Posted by kman 3509 days ago (Question)
My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years. We have a five year old daughter. For the past two years, my wife and I have had problems.The usual arguments over parent duties, money and of couse sex. Recently, she told me that she has lost interest in sex, and does not want it nor need it. We have slept in seperate beds for a year now, and I hate it! Also, we both have seen counselors, but not as a couple, I saw mine on two seperate occasions months apart, and she saw hers every week for about 8 weeks. Consequently, we have not seen a counselor together as a couple> earlier in the year she had her yearly check-up, and she told her doctor about her low sex drive. She was given a shot and nothing changed. She recently went back for a physical, and again she expressed to her doctor that this was ok.


Answers


drjean
3509 days ago
Kman, I 'm sorry to hear of your relationship situation, but want to encourage you to keep trying to work through this. No, it's isn't a good enough reason for a divorce, especially when the situation isn't being caused by either of you, imo.

I'm glad your wife did have a physical and everything checks out ok in that respect.

Women often need to feel secure in their situation before they can express themselves through sexual intimacy. I think it would be good to not only see a counselor together, but maybe also see a financial advisor who can help square things away and return that sense of security to your home.

If nothing else, have a good sit down discussion and agreement on the parental duties thing...writing down and even signing the agreements if necessary. Then, when someone doesn't carry out the agreement, it's the piece of paper calling them on it, not the other spouse.

Why not try also to reinstate the intimacy between the two of you by making a date and going out together. No family talk allowed, just the hopes and dreams and things you enjoy(ed) together... a few dates might begin the old good feelings again?

best wishes

drjean
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Clyde
3509 days ago
I dont think it is just a good reason to get a divorce either. Lots of times, loss of interest in sexual contact is because of the actual happiness that you both may not be having at the moment.

Converse with her, and see if you two can bring about your previous intimacy?

Best,

Clyde
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monica
3506 days ago
a womans idea of good sex is loooooooots of foreplay,begining preferably at 8am in the morning.get the 5 year old up ,get her redy for school,clean the up the dirty dishes etc.say hello to her,have a courteous general conversation with her ,[not a wife husband discussion of duties and resposibilities.]give her some money,tell her spend it on herself.if she wants to talk, just listen and listen,no interruptions.if you do this day in,day out of your marriage,i promise you the best sex of your life,because lets fave it,this visual youth obsessed world is pretty good at making us old married ladies feel valueless,unattractive and past it.be her one bright spot in this hostile environment and she will respond.you have to decide to act kindly as a long haul stratagy.if she starts making love again and you cease,she will feel disappointment ,and a fool,hence anger and hence no more good loving EVER AGAIN,NOT EVER,TILL HELL FREEZES OVER!!!!!!
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dilgepwent
3459 days ago
My answer may be a little different. Most modern religions and social institutions have instilled in you a belief that you must choose one mate and stay faithful to that mate forever. This is not wrong persay and as a Christian myself i am not trying to entice you into divorce. I am only trying to present the idea that perhaps these beliefs are counteractive in thier purpose and in many or most of our lives they end up causing damage and restricting character growth instead of creating happy whole beings and strong families as intended. I would advise that each of you take some time to actively inquire within yourselves as to your current feelings for one another.

Basically, your problem is that you want your wife to find you interesting, to pursue discovery of you and for her to allow you to do the same of her but that is not the present state of your relationship. Simply put you want to enjoy one another physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I think that currently you have been trying to find a way to fix the symptoms of the problem and have not addressed the cause or root of the problem. It is not enough to change your behaviors towards her, buy her presents or take up new hobbies. These things would only serve to distract you both from the issue though they may have a temporary effect that resemble a solution it will not last. However, it is difficult to get to the core of the problem because of these constraints that we put on ourselves. You are constrained by saying to yourself "i have kids so i cant be divorced", "i am christian so i can get divorced" " i am suppose to love only one person and that love is suppose to last forever". These are very real constraints that we feel are valid. However each of these limits what options we have to address the problem. Imagine a circle that holds within it all the possible resolutions to your situation. All of those are legitimate possibilities. Some are favorable and some are not. Some are neutral and others are varying degrees in between. now imaging that one of your "constraints", lets say the belief that you must have one love that lasts forever, is a black circle that is smaller than the original. You now place that black circle inside of you original circle of possible resolutions. The space taken by the black circle has now blocked you access to many of the possible solutions. This beliefe of one love has now removed a great deal of your options and has left you less capable of reaching a resolution. Now continue to add the rest of your "constraints" to the circle. Some are large and block many potential resolutions and some are small beliefs that block few. This may be a good time to actually take paper and write each constraint that comes to you and create this visually. When all your constraints are added you will see that you now are trying to solve a problem without allowing yourself access to most of the ways to resolve it. This was a long way to express the issue but i hope it helps.

Now, to be brief from here is will say that the first thing you both must do is truely sit down and look at each other. Try to think and even write down everything you think of the other person. As the list grows go back through and remove all the thoghts that are reliant on past or future. Remove thoughts that say you liked the way she ______ back in the day or the way she used to ______. Remove dreams of how things cold be in the future. Remove the issue of kids that you share (for this exercise your kids are unique entities that are not reliant on you or her). Continue to jot down thoughts and then remove them until you are truely viewing your wife only as what she is before you. You will not add to her the way she has treated you. You will not add any thoughts of past or future to her. Now, looking at who she truely is ask yourself this: "Do i want to be with this person? Do i find what i see interesting? Do i truely want to know more about her? Are you thirsty for a relationship with this entity before you?" She of course must do the same. You may find that down at this deepest level of the relationship one or both of you say "No. I do not thirst for a relationship with this person. What i once felt i do not feel anymore". If that is the case then you have a lot of change to look forward to and you may not enjoy it all but you at least have a knowledge of where you stand and where you are going. You can now begin to live and grow again even if it is not in the same direction. However, if you both say "Yes. I love this being in front of me. I really want to know this person better than i do now." How then can someone say that to themself and then sleep in seperate beds? How can they not forgive all past transgressions that they have been carrying? They have already practiced setting those thoughts of past aside temporarily and they can surely forgive them entirely. This is not to say that all life will be perfect now. No you will still have insecurities, stress and all the other minutia of human existence to deal with but you will have knowledge that your relationship is worth fighting for. It is worth dying for and worth living for. If you know this you can then feel your way through how to get the relationship back on course.

I hope you the best of luck with this. Feel free to email me if you ever want to discuss your progress with someone free of judgement. My email address is: [email protected]
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tbn295
2035 days ago
I think you should not stay in this relationship because you would make your wife and yourself more miserable ..staying together is not worth for the sake of a kid,,, it's not just sex,as you would think it is a big part of a normal healthy relationship we all need so don't force yourself to live in misery do the right thing and live your life to the fullest get a divorce you wont regret it..
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