u know what the most fuked thing of all is...i want nothing more than death to come, yet not even being capable of caring enough to do anything about it...lol ironic right...

25yrs of this thing called life yet i still have not lived a day.

a cocktail of effexor, xanax, and dexamphetamine, still not enough to give me any drive to get up and walk to the kitchen to get something to eat. maybe three days now i haven't eaten, physically in pain but a relief.

im not sad or upset. im um well nothing, as in I feel nothing, numb. zombie, all I am is a zombie.

i don't even know what im writing, i can't think. JUST FUKING KILL ME ALREADY


TruthHurts - LiesKill
2864 days ago
maybe you just need to have some fun. go out to a club and make some new friends. dont drink but dance and have a great time. you should get out into the world and please do eat.

2864 days ago
thanks :) but it's not so easy :( I have heaps of friends but I don't enjoy anyone or anything ever, the best it ever getsfkr me is where I can pretend to want to do things. im just tired of pretending, I enjoy nothing, nobody. it's just so screwed up....I have no reason to even be like this, im actually quite ok looking, never gone without anything, no abuse, nothing even remotely traumatizing so I have a reason to be like this, I just am and forever will be. Felt this way ever since I was a child just didn't know it wasn't normal. I'm ok some days, I know logically this sevre hell will pass, enough so that I can start ealk into the world again but when I'm feeling like I have these past few days I can not even imagine anything other than what I'm feeling right now.

thanks so much for taking the time, strangers are the easiest to speak to :) x

2864 days ago
I'm sorry you're in such a crisis at the moment. Just because you haven't suffered from any trauma and you have the makings of a good life - doesn't mean a person can't feel depressed. There's also no guarantee you're going to feel like this forever, so I need you to be patient and not harm yourself.

Not eating for 3 days can really make your mind and body suffer. Can you call a trusted friend or relative to help you. Years down the road you're going to be happy you didn't end your life. Please call for help and I'll give you a compassionate website to look at - just copy and paste it. Please go eat something.


2864 days ago
That reminds me of a song... by Nirvana which just shows how obsessed I am with Kurt Cobain (look at my name) He says in 'Lithium' "I'm so lonely, but it's ok. I'm not sad," I'm not here to recommend songs (though i could) I am commenting because you seem like you need someone to talk to. What really sucks are the ignorant people who don't understand and just think it can be solved by just smiling! (I've gotten that before, actually) I'm really guessing you have a serotonin imbalance in your brain. But if you want to someone, you can talk to me :)

2863 days ago
It sounds like you are overmedicated hence the feeling like a zombie effect. I was overmedicated on a medication that gave me that feeling and I am switching to one that makes me feel more social. Talk to your doctor about switching your medication. Obviously all those ones are not working for you. Nobody should want death. It's not known what will your afterlife be so why would you want death when death could mean you are in hell for some stupid mistakes you did. Not saying you are going to hell but nobody really knows for sure if they are going to heaven or hell. It's still a possibility.

2862 days ago
hey...iv managed to get up today...much better...i love Kurt Cobain too...I'd jump him if he were still around lol ;P.... yeah iv had major issues with ppl not understanding...see iv kept this hidden my whole life up until November 09 when a friend found me having a major panic attack and freaked out and took me to hospital...because I never showed it or told anybody (only docs) they all still find it difficult to understand.

Anyone who has Depression will know what I'm talking about. Every1 has gone through though times where they have had the blues or grieving, hence they associate depression with their past experiences and can't understand that it won't get better by me trying to make it better....I used to get real frustrated when trying to explain what it's like but of course if you have never experienced it you can never know and for their sake i'm glad they don't understand.

Thanks for the concern Lisa with my meds :) the meds I'm on atm are the best iv been on out of dozens of different ones...it's just some days no matter what I take, nothing can move me...I'm believed to have low serotonin yes but dopamine is the major chem I'm deprived of. Levodopa is the dophamine drug but it's only registered for ppl with alzheimer's, therefore I can't be put on it to see.

Because my depression is unsituational, as in an event has not caused it and its purely chemical related, I'm quite resistant to treatment even though I continue cbt. I have what u call double depression; chronic, treatment resistant major depression, recurrent, superimposed on chronic dysthymia, social anxiety disorder, mild agoraphobia, hypersomnia and chronic fatigue syndrome.

I know nobody should want death but the constant emptiness is so unbelievably torturing that its the only way you can think of stopping it. Im Orthodox and grown up with the belief that if one kills oneself that they will go to hell; not sure if i believe that but the thought is there. I wont kill myself, i wont do that to all the ppl it will affect but it wont stop me from praying to god to take me, to give me peace from what is my hell....i can not imagine a worse fate.

I know this may sound ridiculous, but the amount of times iv wished i rather had cancer, any form rather than this is sick....but i really really actually do wish that...but i guess if that were the case id prob wish id have anything but that....ill continue to exist but all i want is to live and the amphetamines show me the possibilities of how other ppl see and enjoy life but they are not full proof. Im looking into Deep Brain Stimulation but its still quite experimental so time will tell if that will be my lifeline.

thanks evey1 for taking the time :) u guys rock x