I can’t get over the feeling that something isn’t right with my boyfriend. I have to say I have issues of my own. I have depression, anxiety, have come from an abusive childhood and have been sexually abused too. So, I don’t know if all this plays a part in what I feel now. You know how people say or do things that really stick in your head and for years you remember them then a point comes when you think, I knew it, I remember that time when…blah…blah…blah and it’s like all of a sudden you have all the answers? I am afraid that might be happening to me now. Anyway, my boyfriend and I have been together since my daughter was three. She is now fifteen and he and I have a one year old together.
When my boyfriend and I started dating he repeated a joke he had been told about a pedophile kidnapping a little girl and taking her into the woods. I didn’t think it was funny at all so I just looked at him thinking WOW did he really just tell me that joke. I wouldn’t think anyone would repeat a joke about abusing girls unless they thought it was okay to do so and funny. A couple years later he told me about a guy he worked with that did jail time and was a registered sex offender for abusing his stepdaughter. I responded saying that was sick but he said she was older; in her teens and that he said he didn’t do anything to her. That stuck in my head because it was like he was saying because she was a teenager it was okay. By this time we had been together for about three years. My boyfriend and daughter were not close. I would ask him why he didn’t talk to her or spend time with her and he would say he didn’t want me to think he was putting the moves on her. He has said that on more than one occasion. I always thought that was an odd comment to make because I never thought of him that way, and never thought something was going on between the two. Years later he had made a random comment about “old enough to go to the store, old enough to get bread”. I have never heard the expression before and didn’t know what it meant so I had asked him. He said it meant if a girl was old enough to go alone she was old enough for sex. I asked him if guys really thought like that, but he didn’t answer me. Another time my friend’s daughter had been sexually abused by her stepbrother. I had told my boyfriend about it, months later we had a friend over and my friend had called and then my boyfriend wanted me to tell our friend what happen to my friend daughter, but it was like he thought it was funny or like hey check this out. It was weird because I didn’t think it was something to gossip about. The last thing is my boyfriend and I were out with some friends and one of them had asked about my daughter and my boyfriend jumped in saying she is trouble. I didn’t know why he had said this because she wasn’t getting into any trouble at home or school. Didn’t have a boyfriend and wasn’t even interested in boys. Months later out with our friends again, one of them had made a comment about my daughters recent hair color change, she colored her hair the same color as mine. My boyfriend was telling our friend that my daughter was outside when he was driving up and thought my daughter was me and how he was like WOW! When they asked how she was doing he again said she is trouble. I asked him what he meant by trouble and he said that she is a cute kid and she is going to have a lot of boys, but then said but I guess we don’t need to worry about that now. I feel crazy for thinking something isn’t right. She walks around wearing only a towel. She wears short shorts, low cut tops. When I tell her not to walk around in only a towel, or to pull her top up, or shorts down she doesn’t listen. When she does these things my boyfriend pays no attention. It’s not like I see him checking her out, but there is something I just can’t get over. I tried talking to him about this but it doesn’t go anywhere. He denies saying the things he has said, or says he doesn’t know why he said it which is pretty typical of him. He does that anytime I try to talk to him about anything serious. Please give me some response. I am going out of my mind.


2526 days ago
Hi shytoutoo - are you doubting if your BF may have or be touching your daughter? I don't mean to be harsh, but if my potential partner was cavalier about child molestation and objectifying women, I wouldn't want to be with him. When he tells you these things or makes a comment about your daughter, you need to be assertive and say "this is unacceptable"!

If you're wondering if he has been inappropriate with your daughter, then you need to ask your daughter. You also need to speak with your daughter about inappropriate dress around the house. I have a 13 yr old and she would never walk around in a towel in front of her father. She also wouldn't even wear a non-revealing tank top - when she hears the garage open she gets a sweatshirt or puts on a short sleeved shirt. Walking around with shorts than are too revealing isn't appropriate.

Yes what your BF has said is inappropriate - joking about pedophilia is unacceptable. You need to make it clear this kind of discussion is wrong. What makes you think a man like this is a good partner? Trust your instincts, voice your concern and don't tolerate inappropriate behavior from your BF or your daughter.

2526 days ago
I absolutely agree with Bella's reply!

personally, I would not be able to be anywhere near someone who joked about child molestations

and your daughter needs to be firmly told that her lack of clothing around him is NOT ALLOWED!

2524 days ago
Run for the hills. Your responsibility is to protect your daughter. Period. She needs the protection that you so deserved but did not get.

2520 days ago
It sounds like you're right to be worried i would talk to your daughter. It's best to talk to her in a place where she feels safe so if something is happening then it probably shouldn't be in your home, maybe take her out to a place where she likes, a favourite cafe or restraunt or just arrange a girls day out, get her to open up to you, then sice you're talking and being close maybe tell her you feel worried about your boyfriend and just ease into asking her if there's anything going because you don't want to scare her, tell her that you won't be mad at her and that it's not her fault in anyway and you just want her to be safe and happy. I hope nothing is going on between your partner and daughter but i think it's not right that he finds peodophillia and sexual abuse funny. I hope this helps.