Can someone offer me some insight please to my question?

I can understand why some women may stay in an abusive relationship if they have children and the children are not being abused and they may be trying to keep the family together for the sake of the children (not that I agree with that). But if there is only the couple involved why do some women endure this, or even if they split up, why do they sometimes return to the relationship if nothing has really changed?

I realise that there may be hope involved that the abuser will reform, or even some type of blind love, or insecurity caused by the abuse.

Can someone explain further please?


2594 days ago
Hi Fastoldbiker, there are several reasons why women stay in abusive relationships - it can be very complicated and hard to understand. Each case is different. Here's some links for you to read and thanks for your interest in understanding this complicated subject.

2593 days ago
Hi. I was in an abusive relationship for 2.5 years. Fortunately for me, mine wasn't physically abusive - or at least he didn't hit me, but he was quite rough with me sometimes (pushing me around, etc).

Abusers are trying to control their partners out of insecurity - they tend to be jealous and thus need to have total control. Usually, the women who becomes involved with such a man is also insecure. In my case, he lured me in by telling me I was a slut/weirdo/terrible person. Because those were the things I'd normally think of myself (at that time, anyway) I believed him. He would then storm out saying I wasn't deserving of his love - this makes you feel like you need to "win" that person's love to become a better person. When they come back and say they're giving you another chance you are grateful.

After this, my boyfriend made me throw out all of my old diaries and stopped me seeing my friends. I couldn't tell my friends what he was doing because I was embarrassed and because I thought it might get back to him and he'd shout at me - he was very tall and loud and he was an adult while I was still a teenager, so I was scared of this.

Eventually, I was isolated from the rest of the world. My friends had given up on me, thinking I had rejected them, my parents were convinced that he was good for me and my mother even moved out to live with her boyfriend, leaving me alone with him in the house. After around a year, if I wasn't going out with him I would be completely on my own - I felt trapped and afraid. I couldn't do anything of my own volition because he would phone me maybe 25 times a day and if I went out he would follow me in his car.

This is how a lot of abusers work. In gaining control over their partner they isolate them from everyone else, and the abused either go along with it because they are afraid of what might happen if they don't or because they don't think they deserve anything better - in my case, I really thought for a while that he could "fix" me.

I was lucky because after a couple of years I moved away to university. Once there, he phoned me many times a day to check up on what I was doing. But as people started to talk to me on my course, it suddenly occurred to me I didn't have to be alone and then it occurred to me that I didn't have to answer his phone calls anymore - what was he going to do? He was hundreds of miles away!

This is how I eventually got out of the relationship. I dumped him and I was far away where I could start a new life. But had I stayed in the area I grew up in I think I would still be with him now.

So to answer your question, if other women are like me then they stay with their abusers because they see no alternative, or they may feel like a man can "fix" them, or they may be made to feel guilty for leaving the man and be too depressed to cope with this - i.e. they will see you have ruined their life and they are going to kill themselves - that sort of thing.

I'm sure there's other reasons, but this was it for me. Thankfully, I learned from my experience and have never been with another abusive man!

2593 days ago
I think sometimes women who got abused think that it is their fault so they deserve to be treated that way. The abused women might also be deeply convinced by her abusive partner that she is worthless, couldn't do anything on her own, or she is nothing without him. For those reasons, she feels she couldn't move on but go back to him.

2593 days ago
Thankyou all for your replies.

My sister was in two physically abusive marriages. After leaving her first husband after a severe beating, she was on her own for a long time. Eventually when she met someone else and married him, the abuse started. I knew nothing of this, but my mother did and she persuaded her to stay with him because leaving your husband was not the ‘proper’ thing to do at the time (25 yrs ago). The violence escalated rapidly in her marriage, to the point where he lost control and tried to strangle her to death. He was arrested for attempted murder.

My partner has also been abused in two previous marriages, severely physically abused. Although I have discussed her situations at length, I am truly astounded at what she endured and for so long. So although abuse in relationships is sickening to me, I still have an interest to try and understand better.

I appreciate your replies.

2592 days ago
I stayed for 36 years. It wasn't until I read the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, that I could begin the journey.....out. If one is abused as a child, we/they will accept abuse from others. If society took the time to get answers they would never say to an abused woman: Why don't you just leave? "When you blame me, you shae me, and keep me silent."

I am so glad you asked, most people choose to remain ignorant.

I've been working like a Trojan for over 15 years to get the message out there regarding verbal abuse. I've written a paper, Society's Hidden pandemic, Verbal Abuse, Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault. If you would be interested, I can send it.

The global statistics are staggering: 1 in 3 women abused, and ever 9 seconds a woman is assaulted. The U.S. spend $5.8 billion a year on this terrible shredding of souls.

Without knowledge we are powerless. Abuse is literally brainwashing. If one is threatend with death or the death of their children, of course a woman will stay. If she has no job, resources, has been isolated form friends and family, has had the phone taken out, no access to a car.....of course they must stay. To escape takes much planning and outside help.

Unfortunately, for millions of women living in silence, fear and shame, that is virtually impossible, unless they can reach out to someone who can help them.

There is a lot of information on the web regarding this subject, but I strongly recommend the aforementioned book, it saved my life and millions of other women's as well. I fell it should be required reading for everyone on the planet.

Until we educate society, this cycle will continue.

2592 days ago
Hi Allison - thankyou for your reply. Yes I would be interested in reading your paper, if you could please email it to me at the address on my profile page. Thankyou :)

(just click on my name to the left)