I'm sixteen. I've been depressed and suicidal for about two years now. Apparently I have something wrong with me. I have my moments when I'm pretty awkward. I think it has something to do with my ocd. Not only the kids in school, but also my parents make fun or talk about my weirdness behind my back. I don't mean to act awkward it just happens. I'd do anything to be normal and have friends.

I don't know why no one wants to be my friend, or even have any kind of relations to me. I dress nice, I have nice shoes, and I clean up pretty well. But I guess that doesn't matter. As long as you don't have nice long hair, do drugs, or get fucked up you wont be liked.

I hate my parents and my parents hate me. I know they are embarrassed of me because they've said it many times. My dad curses at me, beats me, and destroys my things. My mom thinks I deserve what I get. I blame my parents for how messed up I am.

I want to kill myself but at the same time I don't because I'm a Christian. The Bible basically says that if we take our own life we'll be denied from the kingdom of Heaven or something. So that is why I wish someone other than myself could take my life. I've asked God many times to just take my life/kill me... but as you can see I'm still alive.

Nothing has been getting better for me. I'll probably kill myself by the middle of next year reguardless of being a Christian. There's only so much I can take between problems with my parents, problems at school, my own problems; mood swings ect.


3302 days ago
I think you should talk to a professional about this, maybe a psychologist, especially if you are suicidal. the best of luck to you.

2893 days ago
hey i got back from Iraq a long time my mind is still not right my best friend shot him self when we got got back bet you don't see that in the news, look i lost 3 cuzzis there and one uncle we fight to keep as they say "the american dream alive " but the real dream are people like you it may not seam real to you then again it may but even when we pass in the battle field is to remind you that no matter how hard it is here just remember some one is out there making should you can get all the education and training you will need to help us get back on out feet when we get back home so please do despair we need people like you hwo have gone true there own war to help us get true this one stay safe and know we will be here to help you email me back or any marine we will there to help.

3301 days ago
I'm sorry you feel so sad right now. Are you on any medication or seeing a therapist for your problem? If your parents(Dad) physically abuses you, then you need to tell someone about this. Is there a relative you can trust and talk to?

No matter what suicide is never the answer. Here is a good website:


You're right about the cool crowd - often times they do drink, do drugs and make bad moral decisions, so don't worry about blending in with them. When you go back to school you should go and speak to your school counsellors and tell them about your home life/problems.

What are your OCD symptoms like - can you give us some examples. If you can't get support from your family, then you need to get it from officials at school, when you go back. You need to realize that you can learn to live with and manage OCD. There is a new book called 'Life In Rewind' by Michael Jenike and Edward Zines. It's based on the life of a famous football player who has OCD - he was incapacitated by his OCD and had to count to 1500 before he did anything, which meant he didn't do much in his life, until he was successfully treated with behavioral therapy and medication. Your life doesn't have to be ruined because of your OCD - you just need help from the right people. Here's a website for OCD:


It's very important that you never give up hope. You can also visit the OCD forums at psychcentral.com and talk to people there. I hope you get help and feel better soon. Hugs, Bella

3295 days ago
I'm really sorry for the late reply, I forgot my password for this site.

Depression has really been taking the most of me. I can't remember anything...

I'm not on any medication, and I'm not seeing a therapist.

If I was to tell someone about my dad, my dad would get in trouble. If my dad gets in trouble and gets sent to jail or something, I don't know what would happen to me and my mom because my dad is the only one bringing in income to our household. And just many other family's we are having trouble in this recession.

My ocd makes me count to 3 for everything! If I don't count to 3, I think something bad will happen to me. I dont have help with it so I try to help myself stop with the ocd. Whenever I get the thought or feeling ill punch myself or something...

3301 days ago
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3300 days ago
I think as well that you should talk to a professional. If you worry about God punishing you for suicide, next year wont make it better if you dont talk about it, will it?

Speak to a counselor at school, as a beginning--let them know what is going on.

You are a smart lady, and it would be a shame if you didnt realize your full potential.



3300 days ago
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3295 days ago
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3207 days ago

3207 days ago
I cant take this anymore. I know everyone has problems but this is out of control. It started about 6 years ago. I was feeling sad and didnt really like who i was. I didnt appreciate what i had. I started taking anti depressants and risperdal for a bout 6 months. Nearing the end of the trial i started feeling this unshakable depression and i thought,"Now i know what its like to feel depressed". I got off the meds but thats when i started experiencing serious problems and i dont think theres much doubt that the meds triggered the symptoms i would soon start having.

3207 days ago
One day it hit me, I started seeing things different like i was out of my body, I couldnt think straight and started having serious memory problems. My emotions started feeling dull and i had this uncomfortable feeling that made me just wanna jump out of my skin. So then i started seeking treatment for that and trying new meds that only made my problems worse.

3207 days ago
Things are so bad now its unbelievable. Ive already been in many impatient hospitals which only made things worse. I deal with mind emptiness its insane. I just turned 20 and i feel like i cant evenm remember much about this morning. My emotions are so dull and confusing i dont really feel like a real person. I have this feeling that bothers me so much i just cant take it the feeling of emptiness is too much.

3207 days ago
I recently went to virgina to get whats know as a spec scan. They found serious brain damage. They diagnosed me with temporal lobe dysrythmia, temporal lobe dysfunction, brain toxicity, brain trauma, anterior cingulate hyperperfusion, thalamolimbic hyperperfusion, basal ganglia hyperperfusion and dissociative disorders. I had a gf that tried to support me and that i thought i fell in love with, with at least what i had left of me. We got to the point where we started talkin about marriage, moving in together and spending the rest of our lives together. The thing is i knew something she didnt and i figured i was going down. I tried to get help while trying to be there for her and give her what she needed but it was like i was dying in the midst of it. We both began to realize that i was completley different then i used to be and that i couldnt take care of her.

3207 days ago
Im so broken by all of this. If anyone really knew how bad this really is and how hard it is to live with they woulkd understand why i want to leave. I just want to be in peace and get out of this nightmare. If i had a gun it would be over. Can someone please help me i cant take it anymore.

3112 days ago
I found this while trying to search for song lyrics. Great song, can't remember the name. But this is way more important.

I'm going to school right now to try and help people with mental disorders and chemical dependencies and things like that. I actually just changed my major to it, so I really haven't got a clue yet on anything. I really really care about people and want them to be happy, which is why I'm going into this. I have a little experience in these things, not too much with family problems, but depression and psychotic issues. If you want to talk to someone who's gotten out of it, talk to me. I really sincerely want to try and help.

DeeperColors is my aim, and [email protected] is my email. Feel free.

3110 days ago
I read what you said. Suicide is never ever the answer. I, and this is just me speaking for myself, understand what you mean about not being able to fit in without doing certain things or being certain ways, and I know how difficult it is. I've been there, but really if it is as bad as you say it is see a psychiatrist. If you need to talk to or anything feel free to contact me at any time. I really want to help as much as possible.

Aim: goronman12

email: [email protected]

3034 days ago
Tell you what buddy, i feel the same way. i wish i was dead almost every waking second of my life and it only gets worse, soooo.. i was thinkin, if you kill me ill kill you. we can even do it at the same exact time so things get done right the first time. dont know if you still check this or are even still alive, but if you are and you do get ahold of me so we can get the fuck off this god forsaken rock and maybe be happy for a change asafp.. i kinda dont want to die alone anyway you know? id rather have someone be there with me, its not that im scared, id just be more at ease. so maybe you or someone else writing a comment on here could help me out?

3034 days ago
You know illdoit90 that there is someone very close to you that loves you. And wants you around for a very long time. She needs you, without you shes nothing.

3024 days ago
i just barely read this and i can easily say i know what you mean. im 23 and not a day goes by that i just want to end it all i hate everything about me and i hate everyone around me i cant stand it i try not to let it bother me but its really hard for me to trust anyone. every time i begin to trust someone they just end up hurting me and feed me more of their FUCKING LIES what the hell did i ever do to deserve this shit. it pissing me off even now while im writing this. i used to be in a mental institution they said my problem is that i have anger problems and need anger management...hahahaha they dont know shit what i need is something to put me out my fucking misery and make the whole world fucking hhappy....

2997 days ago
ok im sorry that you guys all feel bad. but honestly you control how you feel. dont bitch so much. so what lif is bad. 3 of my closest friends killed themselves within three years. they all talked about how depressed and suicidal they where. so if your gonna do it then just fucking do it. or stop saying your gonna do it cause then your just a pathetic waste begging for atention. killing yourselves will only hurt everyone you leave behind. it is the most selfish act someone can do. it week and cowardly. there will always be problems in life. if somethings wrong then change it. if your still living with your parents then go get a job. that will get you out of the house and away from the problem. you dont need friends at work just work as hard as you can. hard work builds character and helps with the pain. then when your 18 youll be ready to move out. im sorry but ive heard enough people saay how there gonna kill themselves. my first friend told a week before he did it. he had tones of people that cared for him. he just didnt pay atention. so in the end get over it and live or stoping wasting everones time and pull the fucking trigger

2996 days ago

You are an asshole and you should understand the pain of losing someone close to you, don't be a douche and wish that upon someone else.

2985 days ago

u have got to be the sickest person on here. not only are u ill but also so stupid (literally) that the world would be better off without your ignorant opinions. you clearly have no idea about mental illness and how it impacts a persons thoughts, perceptions, moods, their everything.

u r one of those fools who believe there is no such thing right? people need to suck it up and do something about it? it's all in their heads?

u saying to a person suffering from an illness such as depression (YES AN ILLNESS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR THEIR PROBLEMS) who is lying in a bed praying to die because they can not even physically function to get up out of that bed to "stop complaining and just get up and go to work, u r just weak" IS EXACTLY EQUIVILANT to saying to a man who has no function of his legs to "get the hell up you lazy fuk and walk".

if u have nothing helpful to say SHUT UP!

idiot, nothing more than an idiot!

2973 days ago
To all of you:

I've noticed some very young people on this board..16, 20 etc...Here is what I would like to tell you all. I'm 40 and I've been through many of the things you guys describe....But...you should know that life does not begin and end with high school...or even college for that matter.. If you're 16 or 20, or something close to that, I can tell you that there will be many, many opportunities ahead of you to get what you want out of life, to help others, to create meaning in your life...You can't even begin to imagine what my lie ahead. I realize that from the perspective which you perceive the world and your life right now, things may appear hopeless, but that are not. You all have so much ahead of you...Honestly! You must understand that whatever situation or circumstance that you find yourselves in right now is not permanent.,,and you do not need to die in order to change them...You just need to move forward with your lives, and although the present maybe painful, you need to remind yourselves of all of the life experience that lies ahead of you. Don't worry about the "cool kids" They are only in your life for a short period...You will move on. I have been where you are...Believe me, life goes on...and as you move through life, meet new people, have new relationships, and new experiences...All of this...what you are going through right now, will fade into the background, as you become a more self actualized adult.

2876 days ago
Dear iwishiwasdead,

You sound strong... because you have endured a lot. About wishing you were dead - well, plenty of us have been there. We humans are funny, though, we get so one-track-minded sometimes, we can't see the forest for the trees. You think that death is the only option, however once you get to a point where you are willing to kill yourself, one can often wonder why they don't try something else equally drastic first?

You could report your parents to the cops. You could try talking to a teacher or counselor you trust. You could move away and get a new job, new school, new friends. Killing yourself is such a false choice - because there are so many other endless choices out there. If we are willing to take the most drastic of actions, then why won't we be willing to do something else seemingly "crazy"? There are people who live on huts on beaches and surf all day... I think I'd like to try that out before dying. I mean, if we're gonna die anyway, why the hell not?

Of course most of us never do that. I think it could have to do with being a perfectionist for some of us. We think our life has been "ruined" and is no longer perfect, and so it's over. When it's really not - it's just different. And it could *always* be worse. I will alwasy be grateful I have been blessed to at least been born in a western industrialized country that is not torn by war on its own soil. MASSIVELY, MASSIVELY fortunate, there. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own turmoil we forget how good we have it - and more importantly we forgot how many ENDLESS choises we have....

Before you consider death, consider a dream. Take a chance - because if you're willing to take the "final" decision, I know you have the balls to take a chance on a new direction, too. So why not do that?

Lastly, you *can* wait out your parents - a few years is such a sliver of time. I am not suggesting that, though. I hope you take that chance and dare to do something new. Because it sounds like right now your current "path" may not be working too well. Before going down the last dead end, though, consider a turn in a different direction. If that first turn doesn't work always remember, just like the endless options on a mpa, there are a billion different options out there for you, waiting to be tried.

I hope this helps - and I hope I can take my own advice. Even though I say this now, we all get to the point where it seems hopeless and we can't see the forest for the trees. It is really hard to step back, but once you do it doesn't always seem that bad. As someone who has been there, it is worth sticking around to try out another option.

2871 days ago
Im 20 years old (male), I have been dealing with mind numbing depression and suicidal thoughts since i was 12 years old. I stumbled accross this searching "someone please kill me" on google (bc thats how i feel right now). I have attempted (and obviously failed) to kill myself so many times ive lost count. For myself it comes down to the little things ie. "IF i shoot myself there will be a hole in the cieling and alot of blood to clean up". I have tried seeking help from family and friends but they always end up making things worse. Recently I lost my job, home, almost all my friends, the love of my life and 2 days ago a dear family member. I dont know if this will help at all but i found the best thing I can do is to loose myself in a task, hobbie or anything that takes thought and concentration. I feel the worst when trying to sleep or just waking up (times im not doing anything specific). Oddly enough music is a big reason im still alive. Find a good song, put it on repeat and get lost in it try to anything you can to take your mind off your life, and when you do think about it, think about ways to fix things. If you find yourself wanting to cry or your thoughts turning dark again, take a step back and find somthing to distract you. The more you think about ending your life, the more likely you are to attempt it.

I Really hope this helps you in some way, just know that people (like me) do know what your going through and that suicide is not a choice its a reaction to having more pain then methods to cope with that pain. I know how bad it can hurt and i wouldnt wish that on anyone. If for any reason you want to talk send me an email [email protected] . Please dont ever hesitate.

2812 days ago
are you still ok?

I too want to die, and I know all to well the pain that entails. Looks like your last post was some time ago. Just wondering what is currently going on with you??

2808 days ago
As a parent I read your post and felt very upset at your parents behavior. I know I suffer from depression and anxiety. I refuse to get help for it because then you admit that theres something wrong with you, and the pack of hyenas(humans)will dig in because they got a reaction out of you. Ive got heart problems and I typed please kill me on google cause I was thinkin the same thing you are. I did this out of frustration. Im not going to do it because I have two beautiful little girls to take care of. I hope you know that there are alot of people out there like you. As I see you are 17 now and I hope you are still around. Just think that next year you can be out of your parents house regardless of what they say. If your dad is beating you I hope that you do something about it, call the police, or a counselor. Next year may seem a long ways away but its just around the corner.

2783 days ago
email me. [email protected]


2776 days ago
email me.

[email protected]

2771 days ago
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2749 days ago
To JUSTAGUY- you fucking moron-no wonder 3 of your friends killed themselves having to deal with the likes of you. How i hope this DISEASE one day effects you the same way it has affected so many of us. Being stronger and getting over it is the most miss informed statements ive ever heard. Do you tell cancer patients the same well thought out advice. Come catch up, and ill show you how this can effect even the strongest of people-after i smash your face in, you waste of air................................

2749 days ago
Anger aside,

Like many here i found this page googling please kill me, at a very low point in my life. One of many i have experienced over the past 20 years of my life (im 32 now) and have tried about everything available(including illegal drugs) to pull myself from the pit of absolute despair, and have only found temporary relief. I would like to tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel-but im not certain there is. The years of pain and hatred ive experienced are unimaginable and uncomprehendable to most people. We feel very alone even when we're not. While anti-depressants can numb the pain, and make us empty zombies, it is not the way to experience the wonders of life described to us by many. No matter the cause of our feelings, or what we try to do to overcome such obstacles-im not sure we can ever rid our selves of this affliction. I also was a believer in God and the bible teachings-but of recent, have trouble accepting Gods so called plan for my life to be crippled by this aliment, and have lost faith after countless unanswered prays to help me. I now find myself rotting away waiting to die, and be free of these feelings that have haunted me for eternity. All i ever wanted was a fair chance to make something of myself and my life-but i fear that was never an option. Whether or not there is never ending suffering in the after life, i am willing to take that option- with the possible chance of relief from this life. Good luck- i hope you fared better than me, in your pursuit of happiness. Your brother in pain Jus.....................................

2647 days ago
I as well, found this thread from a search, because I just can't fucking take it anymore! I always hated myself for as long as I can remember. I became Bulemic at 14 because I wasn't good enough to fit in with the crowd. My father always told me that I would be "the suicide blonde" because men would kill themselves over me...if I just lost 10 pounds. But in reality, I want to die. I started drinking and doing drugs after high school in college to self medicate and it lead to nothing but heartache and being "date raped" by some assholes with GHB. However, the real blow came when I was 20. My boyfriend, who I loved more than anyone I have ever known, died from an overdose that I blame myself for. It's a long story, but suffice to say, I feel responsible for the situation that lead him to doing drugs again after being clean, even though it was an accident. I tried to kill myself then but the pills I took didn't work. After that I felt too guilty to do that to my family. That was over 8 years ago and I still live with the pain. I have two beautiful children, a man who loves me more than anything and a new business that gives hope to our future. But I still feel this overwhelming urge to end it all. I HATE myself, I HATE living far away from the rest of my family who are far away, I HATE everything about living in each unbearable minute of this world. My kids and my family keep me here, because I couldn't bear to cause them pain. But I just want to DIE!!!

2623 days ago
Here is the thing...High School doesn't matter. Easy for me to say, but really, once you graduate, it won't make any difference. Your parents are sooo lame (sorry, I am a parent with a kid with ADHD/PDD and I think he is the coolest thing ever). He is very different and creative. It is a shame and very shallow thing for your parents not to realize you are much more interesting and unique than the other kids. Here is what I learned through having a "different" kid, you only on grow and learn when you are challenged. Kids who skate by in HS are not very interested and don't really do to much with their lives. Shame really. The kids I remember that were "Cool" in HS are such losers now! They lived for HS and hit their peak. That is because they were not challenged. You will see when you become an adult (and BTW, just because the assholes in HS are not your friends, doesn't not mean anything. There is a a whole wide world out there that would WELCOME a person as unique as you). Stay with it, learn as much as you can, and excell on the things that you are interested in (music, reading, math, sports, whatever).

2468 days ago
Ooooo how can I say, how much I would like to end this painful journey right now. Some people suggested in this post that with time this phase of extremely painful depression goes away and there is a lot new to happen in life. But it has been with me for a long time and day by day it is getting worse. Most of the days I feel an excruciating pain in my mind. Some dyes are worst, I feel rolling on the floor and biting my hand to suppress my sound of cry. As man of 31 years you don't want others to hear your sound of cry. But some times I just can't bear the pain any more. I take a cloth and press it hard against my face to suppress any sound. So that the closest person can not know that i am in severe pain. A pain which is not physical, it's origin is unknown. Every day of my life is a great burden for me. The worst part is I can't even die. I have some family responsibilities , some unfinished taks and the religion.. There is no help left for me. And may be some day soon... I will face the destiny... ... Waiting..

2465 days ago
Hi everyone. I was like all of you. Very depressed, suicidal, … until I started to work on it with different kind of people. It was a long road and probably i didn't take the shorter path, but it can get better. I read a lot of your message saying that you hate yourself, so did I, and this is where the pain start. No matter what parents, friends, teacher say or don't say, or do or don't do, if you hate yourself, no matter how good the reason is in your mind eyes, it will hurt. Treat yourself like you would treat someone you just met, or like your favorite pet. Would you hate someone you just met everyday?

so this short answer might probably not solves much. beside the fact that i can tell you that today (i'm 39) I feel much better and at peace, and this has nothing to do with my financial or professional or relationship situation. (which is currently pretty empty on the 3 counts! :D)

What has help me the most is books by Eckart Tolle and Adyashanti, but I met other people, I guess it really changed the day I tried again to kill myself and instead of doing it I took the phone and ask someone for help.

Oh, once thing that really changed my life too, one day that I was feeling in such pain and wanted to kill myself, I realized that I didn't really want to kill myself but rather just kill the pain. So then I realized that if I wanted to be pain free it probably meant I kind of like myself and not hate myself like i thought. Coz, if you really hate yourself, then you should be happy to be in pain :D. So my guess is that you don't really hate yourself, but rather want to be pain free. Start from there.

And personally I never took any drug, except for a couple of days which I hated, and everyone has a different path but i believe that drug don't solve anything, they numb the pain and just postpone it.

The best tip I can give you: Feel the pain or the sadness or the anger, don't try to control it or reject it or avoid it, just let it be, without judging it. you might get surprise at the result.

Good luck.


2421 days ago
Like to say it will get better but it wont. You got a long lonely life ahead of ya kid. No one is gonna kill you for free though. You got any money?

2392 days ago
Well I know this is late for a response. Taking your life is not a good option. Take it from someone that tried it at age 21. I overdosed seriously bad and I can tell you what I experienced. I remember taking all the different pills and eventually the incredible pain in my stomach. Eventually I blacked out only to awaking to my heart beating erratic. I remember my heart stopping and my spirit began to rise out of my body only to reach the point where I would begin to separate at the my head and then my mind would panic and my heart would kick in to overdrive. Well this happened about 3 times before I blacked out again. I awoke to complete blackness and I was aware I had a body, my thoughts and I was conscious of it. No feeling, no light, no sound, no smell, no heartbeat. I mean there was nothing. Well needless to say I was afraid and said a small prayer and said to myself I will lay here till I go to sleep and if I’m still here when I awake I’ll deal with it. Well eventually I passed out and woke 3 days later to find myself back in the world of light. Now this could have been an extreme case where my nervous system was in complete shock and all my senses shut down. I did seek professional help a week later. The doctors said I should not be alive with what I took. I come to believe I did die and was somewhere else with nothing in existence but my pathetic consciousness. I believe there is more to life after we die and the choices we make in this world effect us in the next life. Karma is a b****. I am now 37 and wish I could say my life has changed completely, except it hasn’t. Though, even as bad as things can get I no longer consider suicide an option.

2382 days ago
...I understand how you feel. I have not worn the same pair of shoes as, but our trails may have crossed at some point in ways.

Once there had been a time in which I had been diagnosed with ADD, as ADHD had not yet been discovered or settled as a term. I was prescribed a medicine for it. A medicine I soon came to fear and avoid at all lengths. As with my mental...ah...problems having never been discovered, and me not wanting to be discovered I never told anyone the true effects of the drugs to anyone at first. They made me only more unstable and on a few occasions I would have short hallucinations of sorts. I would be in a hallway about to go through a door when it would be like my vison suddenly waved before vooming into one person and suddenly I would see myself running up to the person and as if my fingers were tipped with deadly claws rip out the persons through and I would feel everything the blood on my hands the skin and muscle as it torn the light fadding it the other person's eyes before the scene would snap back to the present and I would have to walk on as if nothing happened.

Thankfully I had found my friends not to long after all those things started to happen. Real friends that accepted and cared for me. Friends that had problems and who were weird in such a way that made them perfect in my eyes. The same friends were the only thing that kept me from losing my mind time after time. I shudder at night to think what might have happened otherwise. As they gave me a reason to live with their actual compassion and love for me, I found I had to live because I had grown to love them. I found I felt the need greater than anything else to stay by their sides to protect them, shelter them, love them, and listen and hold them when they hurt. I never told them this is why I got better, and I can't say you will if you do this but...

In the end I can't really tell you to do anything. It is your decision in the end to live or die. It's like combustive heart failure it's your choice in the end as you chose whether or not to go but as I look on at my friends even today as mental problems still tear at me and try to pull me back to that edge to that cliff I think how could I have ever thought of ending it before even when I didn't have them by my side as it is hard to amagine anything more than the protector I am to them today.

2382 days ago
maybe you just need someone like that to protect.

But even if I cannot close any physical gap you may feel free to come and as for help at anytime. If I can answer so many personal problems for my friends when they come for help I must be pretty good at it by now as they keep on coming so feel free at anytime.

And if you want to ask anymore stories of my past feel free.

2380 days ago
Hi everyone.

I actually just joined to address the first post, if the person in question still visits this site but hopefully has found some help and is in a better place in their life now, but none the less I would still like to respond to it and every person here who feels depressed.

Everyone feels sad at times, where they feel out of sync with the rest of the world, that they are alone in it even when in a massive crowd. For most it is a temporary thing, however for others it can be more permanent then they would like. I too have gone through this, still do every single day. Why just Thursday afternoon I was told by my employer that my services were no longer required, fired because last in- first out policy. I was shocked, sad, angry, you name it. But then the next day I decided I would not let it get me down and focus on the future.

Now some of you might very well say, that's all well and good for you, because I never dealt with what you have gone through... wrong, I have. I have dealt with more than some of you would care to know, and less then some of you dare to share. I always feel the best thing to do is to just lay everything out on the table in front of you.

So, the traumatizing things I have had to deal with consist of abuse, (every type you can image and yes that includes sexual), skin deformations which has caused a severe lack in confidence resulting in my first kiss being at 17 and my first sexual relationship being at 20, a family who are emotionally distance, relatives who do not care whether you live or die, an uncle who tried to kill me because he was high on crack and who is a drug dealer and has had his friends beat me half to death, a friend of mine die from cancer, my girlfriend die from being hit by a car being bullied by the vast majority of people when I was in school for my fathers religious ethnicity and finally for my hobbies.

I have had everything against me at once, bring me down, made me want to kill myself, pray to God to kill me etc. I have never seen a therapist, taken medication or talked to family or friends. Granted I had a rebellious phase when I went to college, doing weed and getting a tattoo, but that had nothing to do with what I did to bring me back from the brink.

It wasn't religion in case people worry, though that works for some. No the thing that worked for me was laughing, at everything everyone said to me and did to me. When people insulted me about my skin or my father's background, I pretended that my feelings weren't hurt and laughed with them, even joking about it myself. At first they were annoyed, even confused by my behaviour, but then they stopped saying the things they said and moved on until the point that were friends, good friends and now I see those guys as my brothers and sisters, willing to die for them at a moments notice.

To deal with the abuse in my past, I confronted it head on. I told the people who hurt me exactly what I think and then I cut them out of my life, telling them if they want to be a part of it they better get their act together and grow up. I moved out of my parents house and live with friends, and they eventually came around after a month or two, and after several months have mended our relationship to the extent that I make the effort to go see them once a week.

To my uncle I did the hardest thing of all, I forgave him. I know it is not the easiest thing to do, but I let everything I had against him go, just washed it out of my system like I was getting a stomach pump. I will never forget my friend or my girlfriend, and I keep their memory close to my heart always, but I did not let their deaths bring me down. I saw their deaths as a celebration of their life's.

So I mean instead of contemplating killing yourself,(which I have done and attempted), think that you were put on this earth for a reason. That you are here to do something important and amazing and to see each day as a celebration that you are alive while so many had theirs taken away prematurely, and you will find that you do have the strength to be happy and to move on. I did it, and I never thought I could so ask yourself; what is stopping you?

2278 days ago
Hey. I read all about ur problem. I wanta be ur friend. First where do u live.

2259 days ago

2136 days ago

As painful (and understandable) as it was to hear you share your most honest thoughts and feelings, I couldn't help but perceive two obvious things about you: 1) While you might not fit in with your peers now, (because of your awkwardness), I get the sense that you're actually a very beautiful person. BUT... it's going to take your being courageous for a few more years, before you're out on your own... in an "adult" world, where you're likely to FLOURISH as an authentic person. 2) From your powerful self-expression in how you write, I can see that you're years ahead of most of your peers, intellectually.

I recommend that you do 5 things to carry you through a few more years:

1) Find a way to communicate your thoughts and feelings for your fellow peers to see. My guess is that there are others around you who share very similar feelings, as well as a few who would embrace and support you if they knew what you were going through.

2) Keep writing! Even if it's disturbing for others to hear or grasp... the world owes you an ear and open heart!

3) Trust that as you continue to awake from this nightmare you're going through, that in time, there are dreams ahead that God has yet to reveal. A few dreams I can think of for you are fashion design, interior design, and song writing. Start looking into art/design/music school websites to see how you react to what they have to offer.

4) Find a local image consulting firm. This would be a great way for you to learn how to surface the innately beautiful things about you. In the long run, your new confidence, security and powerfulness will guide you through many extraordinary experiences.

5) Instead of worrying about your OCD, think of it as a gift/talent/skill. You mentioned that you have a sense of style. I'm a successful and talented interior designer who's learned to embrace my own OCD. I strongly suspect that you're creative, which is highly normal for OCD people. And, the more you're around other highly-creative people, the more you'll find yourself fitting in... naturally.

I have tremendous respect for anyone dealing with taking their own life. Why? Because it takes enormous strength to deal with such painful and difficult thoughts. The step you've taken to openly express your most inner fears shows how powerful and extraordinary you already are. PEACE!